Please, please, can we do favorite lines???

Val - "Actually dad uses this place more for work and uh reflection than anything else. See it's not so much a vacation house so much as a..."

Armand (while standing in front of the huge crucifix) - "Monastery."

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Albert - "So actually, we don't know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced."

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Armand - "F--- it! It's one night, I can live through it!"

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Albert - "Oh I know what you're going to say. If you kill the mother the fetus dies too, but the fetus is going to be aborted anyway. So why not let it go down with the ship?"

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Senator Keeley - "I don't know anything about Jonathan Swift but I know one thing about your mother. She's a very passionate woman who follows her heart and I just love her."

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Albert - "This is just what I've always dreamed of. A big loving family gathered around the table just the way it was when I was a girl."

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Armand - "Aah here we go! Some of Agador's superb soup, and we're in luck because he doesn't make this for everybody. This is his specialty. Seafood chowder."

Mrs Keeley - "Well isn't that an egg?"

Armand - "What?!"

Mrs Keeley - "An egg."

Armand - "Why yes it is."

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Armand - "Chicken is so important to them. It's their only real currency. A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens and a mans wealth is measured by the size of his c---."

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Albert. "Oh, yes... Now that they're dead, they moved. Were moved!"

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Senator Keeley - "Poor Mrs Coleman she cries if you call her mother, she's that vulnerable. It just breaks my heart, they don't make women like that anymore."

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Senator Keeley - "No one will dance with me. It's this dress, I told them white would make me look fat."

Barbara - "What about me? I'm just as pretty as the rest of these guys!"

But the best part, the funniest part, was when they were on the couch & not speaking

A few of my favourite lines and scenes:


Albert: Don't give me that tone!
Armand: What tone?
Albert: That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.
Armand: You're not a woman.
Albert: Oh, you bastard!


Albert: Oh God, I pierced the toast!


Armand: *beep* the shrimp!


Louise Keeley: (hearing Albert's wails) Is someone else home?
Armand: Just our dog, Piranha. We always lock her in when there's company.


Celsius: Chewing gum helps me think.
Albert: Sweetie, you're wasting your gum!


Albert Goldman: Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!
Armand: I made you short? (Albert cries)


I also love the scene when Albert gets in the car and screams when the horn blasts. Agador dancing in the thong is also funny.


ROCK STARS HAVE KIDNAPPED MY SON

The part when armand walks into the club kitchen and one of the waiters is bending over to pick food up from the ground, putting it back on the plate.

Albert: here, take these. theyre supplements i bought for armand but, thats all over now.
Agador: oooookay...

Albert: agador!
Armand: spartacus! agador spartacus...he prefers to be called by his full name.

"you're money's on the dresser, chocolate"

Senator Keeley: we are family...da na na na na na dadee

Albert: (dressed as a toothless tramp) who is he? who's your little CHIPPY?!

Armand: there are no straight maids in south beach

"It's still me with one tiny difference. We'll not tiny" -Albert

Val : You CAN cook, right?
Agador : Jour fodder seens to tink soooo.... (bites finger girlishly)

**these go to eleven **

I love this movie so much.

My favorite scene is the one in the kitchen where Agador is crying and Robin Williams slips but keeps in character and keeps going. "SHUT UP! Stop crying! It's okay! We're okay! God damn you, stop crying. GOD DAMN YOU!"

"You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian."

When Gene Hackman says "I feel like I'm insane" I lose it.

"Well you know what they say... where there's sand..."

A movie chock-full of delicious lines all uttered by an amazingly talented cast. So many have been listed already, but I love the scene when Val first comes home and tells his dad he's getting married:

Val: "Are you upset?"
Armand: "But let me tell you why."

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Albert: "What do you do when I'm on stage?"
Armand: "Nothing. I lie here."


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Agador Spartacus: "What do you think?"
Armand: "You look like Lucy's stunt double"
Agador Spartacus: "I'm a combination of Lucy AND Ricky"
Armand: "That's terrifying."

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Sen. Keeley dictating to his secretary reading Senate reports: "It's porno, not pronto."


And good grief, every single moment of the kitchen scene culminating with "*beep* the shrimp!"


Funniest piece of wardrobe has to be that absurd bathrobe with the tiger on it that Armand wears. Just hysterical. I love this movie.