Whenever I watch a film by a director who has a body of work that I love or admire, it's near-impossible for me to avoid comparing the quality of the current film to their other work.
------------------------THE UGLY----------------------
13) Dance of the Dead - This ranks amongst the director's worst efforts and was as difficult to watch as Hooper's steady career decline over the past 25 years has been. The only decent film he's made during that time, aside from the horrible, guilty-pleasure that is Crocodile, is The Toolbox Murders remake. Dance of the Dead is flashy, over-the top trash that is completely devoid of scares, atmosphere, humor or anything resembling good storytelling. The only compliment I can pay this episode is to say that Hooper at least attempted to bring the same kind of intensity to this film that he brought to all of his best films... it's just now wallowing in garbage. --- 1/10
12) Incident On and Off a Mountain Road - Poorly acted, an unoriginal script replete with bad dialogue and dull characters, a villain that never felt scary, and by-the-numbers direction from Don Coscarelli. This is easily his worst film (I've liked everything else he's made) and the biggest disappointment of Masters of Horror as far as I'm concerned. I'm stunned that so many people love this film. This reminded me of and was just as bad as Venom (2005). --- 2/10
------------------------THE BAD----------------------
11) Chocolate - When I first heard that Mick Garris was creating Masters of Horror I was excited about the concept for the series but was also wary that he would probably direct an episode, since most of his films honestly suck. After finally viewing it years later (I skipped it during the series initial run), I can honestly say this was middle ground for him. The material kept me interested enough to continue watching but unfortunately the last act doesn't deliver any real surprises regarding the mystery within the film or any emotional "wallop" for viewers. It's just a forgettable entry in this series, but certainly not the worst. The acting is uneven as others have noted but certainly passable. --- 4/10
10) Imprint - I'll admit that Takashi Miike has made some films that I have loved or at least enjoyed. Audition is most certainly a modern horror classic, One Missed Call is far superior to it's American counterpart and 13 Assassins was one of my favorite films of 2011. However, most of what exists in his filmography doesn't appeal to my tastes or interests. When this film did not air due to controversial content I expected that something as memorably disturbing as Audition was heading to DVD. Well, the wait hardly seemed worth it. I bought the DVD, watched it, and can't really remember all that much about the film today other than the feeling of disappointment I felt during and after viewing it. Perhaps I'll have to revisit this but as of now, it's 4/10.
9) Pick Me Up - As happy as I was to see Moriarty and Cohen working together again this film just fell flat for me. Suspense wasn't executed as well as I'd hoped and the performances and material just felt generic. I'd much rather watch Q or It's Alive III again. --- 4/10
------------------------THE GOOD----------------------
8) Cigarette Burns - Let's be perfectly honest. This isn't great. It's Carpenter returning to the familiar ground of In the Mouth of Madness minus the Lovecraft and King elements and appearing to "phone-it-in" at times while being over-the top at others. Perhaps this was just Carpenter experimenting with his return to filmmaking. Missing in Cigarette Burns, unfortunately, is effective atmosphere and suspense which is much more consistent throughout most of Carpenter's earlier work. Norman Reedus is okay but he's no Sam Neill as John Trent. This film played out like a supernatural 8MM, but like that film, ended up decent instead of excellent. Sure it's much more surprisingly and effectively gory than the typical Carpenter film, but it just wasn't as scary as intended. --- 6/10
7) Fair Haired Child - I hadn't liked a William Malone film since Creature (1985) which is nothing more than an entertaining, cheap Alien knockoff. His writing is abysmal (Supernova, Universal Soldier: The Return) and his direction is usually just as bad (FeardotCom anyone?). Why he was considered a "Master" is beyond me. Somehow, he turned in a good enough film for the first season. I'm still not a fan of his directorial style but this was a surprisingly decent update on the-creepy-creature-in-the-basement genre with solid performances and atmosphere. --- 6/10
6) Haeckel's Tale - As some others have noted, the surprise ending doesn't fully work here. However, it wasn't an absolute travesty to the rest of the film that came before it either. If you're looking for an oddball mix of classic, period film horror crossed with an exploitation film as well as Tales from the Crypt and The Twilight Zone, you'll probably enjoy this, at least as much as I did. --- 6/10
5) Homecoming - Whether you agree with the politics on display here or not, this was well-written and amusing at times. There is no rule that states "horror is only this and never that". Horror filmmakers have been hitting viewers over the head with social commentary for decades so why not political satire? That's what it's called, folks. Satire. Not propaganda. Was it blunt in ridiculing some powers that be (or rather 'were')? Yes. So I understand why some viewers who get offended over certain topics would hate this film. Please, however, don't just say it sucks because it's propaganda and not horror. That's just silly. Dante's best film in over a decade. --- 7/10
4) Sick Girl - Despite the fact that, as of now, this is probably Lucky McKee's weakest effort since May, it is still a solid, well made, feminist horror-fantasy... loaded with nasty bugs! McKee's films are indeed quirky and odd but if you get into his style of writing and filmmaking, there are plenty of rewards to enjoy on-screen. The only thing that dragged this down a notch for me was Bettis's bizarre performance, which despite her intentions, was not always believable. She's a good actress but here she sometimes seemed to be trying too hard. Still, --- 7/10!
3) Jennifer - Calling this bad because it was predictable shows that some of you missed the point. The film passionately speaks about love, lust and desire, temptation, honor and commitment, living with mistakes, and is a playful twist on the "don't judge a book by it's cover" lesson. It's shockingly exploitive at times but it fits the material and the director well and never feels forced. All of the events and character decisions in the film telegraph exactly where the conclusion of the film is headed. The film is never trying to fool or surprise anyone with a completely unexpected, shocking twist! The twist comes just as the audience dreads that it will. The quality of Argento's output over the last decade has been mixed to say the least. This is certainly a high point for these latter days of his career. --- 7/10
2) Dreams in the Witch House - Stuart Gordon brings an 'okay' Lovecraft tale to life again and the results are nearly as great as his best Lovecraftian efforts. The film walks fine lines between the mundane and the absurd, dark humor and true horror. The film never achieves the heights of Re-Animator but is at least as good as the underrated Dagon. --- 7/10
1) Deer Woman - If you were born in the 70's or 80's and don't love An American Werewolf in London, you're probably an idiot. That, or you just don't like horror films. John Landis truly returned to form with this film and this feels like an extension of, or cousin to 'Werewolf'. Deer Woman isn't as scary as An American Werewolf in London, but even the title hints at the fact that it is going to be more comedic than anything else. If you're a fan of Landis's best films from the 70's and 80's and you can't appreciate this film, I do not understand you. This was a blast to watch when it premiered and remains that way still. Easily the best film in Season 1. It was great to see Brian Benben in a lead role again too. --- 8/10 (An American Werewolf in London is 10/10 by the way)
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