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Eyes Wide Shut-Movie Review of the Sex film Eyes up the Butt

posted 6 years ago by uraharakisuke (85)
10 replies | jump to latest

SPOILERS FOR THIS 2 HOUR PORNO

-this film is pretty much about tom cruise getting cock blocked for 2 and a half hours
-its supposed to be about elite sex rings and the seedy side of the Illuminati or something
-but its more about tom cruise not being able to get laid
-he even pays a prostitute to not sleep with him the absolute madman
-nicole kidman on the other hand is constantly naked from the start
-and is also an alcoholic
-which is probably why they gave her the part in the first place
-so tom and nicole are happily married
-and one night they go to a nice party and then come home
-and smoke weed and its pretty chill
-they have a good atmosphere going with no drama
-but nicole, being of the female persuasion, decides to ruin the atmosphere
-for no reason other than women being biologically programmed to ruin everything
-so they're smoking weed and having fun
-and then tom is like "i luv u wife u so loyal!"
-and shes all like "nuh-uh i always fantasize about all the cock i could suck"
-and hes like wtf is this bitch saying
-and shes like "oh yah i dreamt i banged some guy in a hotel whattu fink about dat?! lol"
-and tom realises at this moment that he married a THOT
-and then gets a call about someone dying
-so gets up and leaves his whore wife in the middle of the night
-to go comfort a devastated family in their time of need
-because thats what a 100% certified chad like tom cruise does
-unfortunately his whore wife's words have planted the seeds of paranoia in him
-so he starts thinking "goddamn im really horny right now"
-and you think this guy looks like prime tom cruise
-and is a doctor
-and wants sex
-and goes to a prostitutes room
-and then to a party where literally everyone is having sex
-and then a bereaved widow throws herself at him declaring her love
-and this bitch had only spoken to him once btw
-and then ends up with some other prostitute in her room
-and at no point in any of these situations
-does rich dr tom cruise manage to get laid
-...no wonder im single

7/10

[–] [deleted] 6 years ago

/r/inceltears

[–] [deleted] 5 years ago

This review made my day.

[–] dkgambler (158) 4 years ago

Yep that pretty much sums it up.

[–] bobbydallas (8619) 4 years ago

the good doctor has sex at the end.
Nicole says they should 'f***'

?

[–] uraharakisuke (85) 4 years ago

Women always lead men on before a savage cock-block.

Unless I see full frontal thrusting, I don't believe it.

[–] bobbydallas (8619) 4 years ago

LOL

[–] Heisenberg (6730) 4 years ago

I'm not following you dude...
you summarized perfectly the plot.
YET, you call it a 2 hour porno.
I'm not familiar with the porn genre where there's a fully dressed dude that is barely shown other people fucking, and doesn't do anything. He doesn't even pull out his dick not even once. Is there such a genre?
Like you said, he's constantly and repeteadly getting cockblocked. That's the opposite of a porn, if you ask me. It's like an anti-porno manifesto.

And I know you were being silly and funny, but I seriously think, by pointing out how he's getting always cockblocked while everybody else is fucking, that you got to the core of what Kubrick wanted to do with the movie, better than any other serious film review I've ever read on EWS.

[–] uraharakisuke (85) 4 years ago

"I'm not familiar with the porn genre where there's a fully dressed dude that is barely shown other people fucking, and doesn't do anything. He doesn't even pull out his dick not even once. Is there such a genre?"

Yeah it's a genre of porn called: "Date Night with uraharakisuke"

"And I know you were being silly and funny, but I seriously think, by pointing out how he's getting always cockblocked while everybody else is fucking, that you got to the core of what Kubrick wanted to do with the movie, better than any other serious film review I've ever read on EWS."

hahaha I was just having a laugh but now I'm interested in your view of what Kubrick intended? Is it the frustration and paranoia which can come with marriage? Is it the mundane marriage contrasted with the lavish, excessive, socialite, hollywood livestyle?

[–] Heisenberg (6730) 4 years ago

It's been pointed out the dream vs reality of male vs female desire, the general moralistic approach to sex and couple dynamics, the logical man lost in a world of temptations he doesn't understand, the unkind opinion on burgeois life and marriage.
Somebody even considered it Kubrick's realized wish of shooting a real porn scene for a mainstream film, again rubbing in our middle-class faces the scandal of explicit sex.

But you are the first that figured that Kubrick was, UNWITTINGLY, constantly fucking with us: dr. Bill is not even able to take his jacket off. He's surrounded with pussy up to his neck, but all he gets is a couple of tame kisses like an inept schoolboy or an impotent old man. Even the Japanese businessmen and the underage teen are more offhand and casual. Or old n fugly Sidney Pollack. Yet Kubrick sees them as odd/evil/bad. Like anybody else in the film that enjoys sex.
So I figured he intended to tease us with sex, corruption and the harshness of "real hard porn" action, while in reality he's shooting the expensive version of a Benny Hill sketch, with the frustrated male chasing tits and lusting after asses but only ending up with lots of banging on his head.
That's what Kubrick's exploration of the dark side of sex and desire in the modern days ends up being.

[–] uraharakisuke (85) 4 years ago

That's a good post, cheers for that mate.

Yeah that's the first thing that struck me; rich good looking tom cruise lookalike can't get laid in a sea of horny women. Like he can't get a lapdance in a stripclub.

I was wondering about Kubrick's real life views on sex as that would help us to understand what the film is getting at perhaps. He didn't look like a sex pest....but they never do, do they?!?!