Things I learned from Dante's Peak

-Skinny-dippers are prone to suffering horrific deaths around mountains.

-When it doesn't work, kick it.

-Buildings blow up several times in a row when hit by ash clouds.

-Volcanic eruptions provide a good source of cooked fish.

-ELF isn't just a Will Farrell movie.

-Every pilot will make at least one attempt to fly through ashfalls in his life. Coincidentally, said pilot's last flight ever coincides with this attempt.

-Universal does 'em better than 20th Century Fox.

-Basalt lava and pyroclastic flows have worked out their differences, and now work hand-in-hand to cause destruction.

-Towns can be evacuated in minutes, especially when a catastrophic natural disaster is occuring.

-Volcanologists don't like vacations.

-All mayors in small towns know how to make coffee.

-Old ladies are more stubborn than 4-year old boys.

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"You were almost a Jill Sandwich!"

Worst. Game line. Ever.

Life saving NASA transmitters are easily forgotten when you have it with in hands reach when locked in in an old mine.

Tiny towns next to huge volcanoes have enormous highways and overpasses that are never seen from the air.

A mayor's children are seldom punished for misdeeds, and quickly forget traumas such as discovering boiled, naked bodies in a hot spring or their grandmother's painful demise.

Dogs (and their hairy outer covering) can survive lava flows without incinerating.

Things tend to explode or bad things just happen when Pierce Brosnan is around.

There is always only ONE person who knows what's going to happen, no matter how many other "experts" or technology happen to be around.

Grant Heslov is cool.

The resiliency of American-made vehicles is second-to-none.

The recipe for frog soup and disaster are the same, though the aftertaste is slightly different.

Love conquers all, especially in disaster movies when friends and family die, possessions and homes destroyed, life is changed forever, and the main characters seem content with just being with one another.

Brown, smelly water is bad news.

When a phone is hung up on the other end, cell phone or otherwise, a dial tone is immediate.

Always trust kids to do what you tell them (i.e. I'm going to a meeting, the mountain could blow up any second, so you two stay here and pack. Forget your grandmother. We have Pierce.).

Only the power of Pierce Brosnan can stand the tide of a stampeding mob to rescue someone from being trampled.

School busses stand no chance against church steeples.

Walkie-talkies always go out at the worst possible times. Trust Duracell.

All those stories on the news about cars being swept away in just a little bit of water have to be fiction, since Pierce's Suburban just sits stuck in the middle of a river.

No one ever suffers the devastating long-term effects of breathing volcanic ash.

Everyone gets the chance to say what they want to say and need to say before they die.

People can go DAYS AND DAYS without going to the bathroom.

And, (gratuitously ambiguous and totally unrelated) Germans love David Hasselhoff.

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A group of geologists can gather around the base of a volcano, say "She's gotta blow her top soon," and can actually make it happen ... and be far enough away to survive the blast.

"Having quotes at the ends of your postings is really quite pretentious."

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If there's an imminent volcano, wait at least 18 hours before giving a clear warning to the townsfolk at a town meeting.

You can exclude poison gas from a nearby bubbling, smelly hot spring as the cause of mass squirrel deaths; it's probably a "squirrel epidemic". And don't bother to check, it's not important.

Name a mountain "Dante's Peak" if you want people to forget that it's volcanic, and not imagine it causing an INFERNO, or anything like that, and simply live and invest there.

James Bond didn't actually need all those expensive special purpose cars. Q could have saved some money.

that lava wn't only NOT completely melt your truck into nonexistence, but you won't even catch the gas tank on fire and explode... NEATO!!!

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me."