Things We Learned from 'SWTE'

161. Whenever a stranger compliments your house, automatically assume he's been inside and then go beat your wife.

170. After succeeding at escaping your husband & going to the trouble of going incognito go ahead and inform a stranger on the bus, all of your business. In complete earshot of other passengers.

171. It is possible to walk out a door and instantly have zoomed out of there and around on to the road nowhere to be seen by the time your psycho husband has run out which was not long after ........






"Lauraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" - Martin Burney

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184. If you take top-secret swimming lessons as part of a plan to escape your abusive husband and save your life, be sure to use your real name when you sign up for these swimming lessons.

185. It's common for tall 20-something women to train in gymnastics and get lots of bruises from it. Tell your swimming partners that, and they will definitely believe you.

186. Don't bother to sell your wedding ring when you're desperate for money.

187. If you have to wear an itty bitty wig, be sure to give your thick main of hair a slight trim before putting it on.

188. And be sure to trim your hair in your abuser's pristine house, risking more of a mess than the water and sand you already dragged in from the ocean (and taking additional time inside the house).

189. If you've managed to flee said abusive relationship, be sure to go to dinner with the creepy neighbor who flirts with you by passively aggressively insinuating that he will get you arrested for stealing his apples.

190. A pot roast will feed a single man for one week. If said man can share that pot roast one evening with his skinny female neighbor, it will logically feed him for six days. Hmmm, sounds like someone needs to make a smaller pot roast.

191. Parade scenes are mandatory in thrillers.

192. Trying on theatrical hats while listening to "Brown Eyed Girl" will solidify any romantic relationship.

193. Horrible abusers don't simply drink water from drinking fountains, they make love to the water coming out of the drinking fountain.

194. Carry a napkin in your hand at all times. In case the drinking fountain malfunctions and sprays you in the face, you will be prepared to wipe your face immediately.

This entire thread almost killed me. I was laughing so hard because all of it is true! Bahahahaha!!!

226. that if laura has never visited the new nursing home, then shows up dressed like foxworthy's brother, the staff will still let "him" (a perfect stranger) administer chloe's medicine.

227. that if martin walks across a college campus wearing a black trench-coat when it's clearly warm weather because everyone else is wearing shorts, this will attract no notice at all, not a single stare. (even when he walks right through the middle of a group of people laying on the lawn)

228. that if you are a swim teacher who is calling to give condolences on a dead student, (who drowned btw which means you suck as a teacher) it's okay to suddenly change the subject and start talking about gymnastics, out of the clear blue.

229. that when you're breaking into your estranged 'dead' spouse's new house to terrorize her with mind games, you make sure to carry a tape of Berloiz's Symphonie Fantastique in your pocket because you assume there will be a small boombox there for you to play it on.

230. that when you steal apples from your neighbor's yard, it's okay for YOU to be angry at HIM and completely ignore that it should be the other way around.

231. that after manipulating the staff of the nursing home where your mom in law is in hiding (from you) be sure to act all casual and stop for a drink of water, and wait your turn patiently because you must be very thirsty...

232. ...but not THAT thirsty because if water shoots in your eye you walk away without taking one sip.

233. that if you are an ugly beak-nose grandma like chloe you can have a beautiful daughter with a patrician nose like laura.

234. that if things begin rearranging themselves in laura's new house she will dismiss the first seven clues as poltergeist or something, but if cans rearrange themselves well then that's the last straw, it must mean martin's back, and she should break down and start crying right there at the kitchen cabinet.

235. Swimming laps at the Y is excellent training for swimming a mile in a dangerous squall off the New England coast.

236. The world moves in slow motion when staring at your wife enjoying a night at the carnival with her new beau.

237. Middle age men like to play touch football on the grassy courtyard of small mid-western colleges.

238. Treplis hasn't seen Nina for over two years.

239. When the water fountain squirts you in the eye, wipe your mouth with a neatly folded kerchief, but don't wipe the water from the rest of your face.




"Loves turned to lust and bloods turned to dust in my heart"