Since IMDB will not accept my review of this film, here it is.

Sometimes I like to review old movies given that I don’t always have money to make it to the theater. I’ve picked COCKTAIL today because this movie is a giant among movies (a giant, pathetic loser) and never ceases to amaze me with its inexhaustible supply of horrible lines, horrible acting, senseless gratuity, and wastage of celluloid. I’m not sure in which genre to place this movie so I’ll create one: Romantic bartending melodrama.

I think Tom Cruise is ok, and most of his movies are ok (ok means ok—not real good, or pretty cool, simply ok). After you watch this movie, you will wonder how he maintained a career after this and didn’t become the Tim Thomerson of straight-to-video Blockbuster dustbins. You might be asking, “who the hell is Tim Thomerson? That’s exactly the point. I’ll give Cruise credit, he’s got something going on.

As indicated the movie is about bartending and romance. Tom Cruise is a hotshot New York bartender who woos all the women, and men, with his ability to spin bottles and pour drinks at the same time while spouting monosyllabic nonsense, recite poetry, and flash all 32 Crest Whitening formula-treated teeth. First of all; who gives a *beep* about bartenders who spin bottles behind their back and through their legs in the process of mixing a gin and tonic. If I order a gin and tonic, just give me a gin and tonic as fast as possible. I’m there to drink and I need immediate alcoholic refreshment. Reminds me of a show I saw of a bunch of meatheads who actually compete in Las Vegas for “Best Bartender in the World”. They actually practice in their garages spinning bottles around with rubber bars and balancing Jack Daniel’s liter jugs on their heads. One time I was tripping on acid at a bar and bottles started spinning all over the place, been there done that, don’t need it. Here’s a memorable line for you—guy walks into the bar and sees Tom Cruise and his buddy’s bottle spinning brilliance and says, “You’re the hottest bartender in town, you need to work for me”. And so he does.

While there he gives his unforgivable performance of “The Last Bartender Poet”. This qualifies as one of the most comedic and reviling episodes in Hollywood history and makes me embarrassed to be an American and someone who speaks the English language. I can’t remember the whole thing but it goes something like this at the end: “I got your Alabama Slammers, I got your Tijuana Mamas I got your Caribbean Windjammers, I got your Hangover Mananas
Yes, I’m the last bartender poet, and you better know it”. Something like that. He gives this performance in the middle of loud music and dancing at a New York bar. Everyone hushes and gives their ear to this. After he’s through everybody whistles and claps and he bows, at that point I started laughing and guffawing.

First of all, who would think that that was cool?? Second of all, how much idol-praise does Hollywood think that common moviegoers and common people will give. I can just see the director while making the movie, “Its Tom Cruise, they’ll eat this up.” Wrong buddy, I thought it sucked and it makes me think that the people who made this movie, wrote this movie, produced this movie, and the people who even made coffee for the aforementioned are a bunch of fricking losers and should be unemployed right now. They should live in misery and be forced to watch this scene every day of their lives as compensation.

Normally I am a lot more longwinded about films this awful, but I just want to move on from this experience and never look back again, so I’m gonna wrap it up. Don’t ever watch this movie! Unless you and a bunch of drunk friends have a rainy day and absolutely nothing to do. It will make you laugh but after its over you find you can discuss it for days. Tempers will flare, conspiracy theories will be formed, and you will walk away in a state of bewilderment at the negative power of this movie. I’m not gonna give away the end of the movie not because it will be a spoiler, just because its a waste of my time.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.