Things I've Learned From Raising Arizona...

1. It's very important for kids to get their Dip-Tet. Otherwise they're vulnerable to lockjaw and night vision.
2. Something went wrong with my semen.
3. Buford's a sly one.
4. Recidivism = repeat offender
6. Babies don't know a cuss word from Shinola.
7. A person trapped in a man's body can sometimes get the menstrual cramps real hard.
8. There's a panty on your head.
9. Ed is short for Edwina.
10. All employees are disgruntled unless you're running a daisy farm.
11. You may want to wash your hands before picking up your $400 camel's hair jacket.
12. You're gonna want to send your kids to Arizona State.
13. Criminals sure do like Hawaiian shirts.
13. Maybe it was Utah.

The single most important lesson:

Having hand grenades strapped to your body is NOT a good idea!!

-Women shopping at supermarkets at night wear curlers in their hair and have facial cream on.

-Dogs will follow another dog (and form a pack) if it's chasing someone that invaded their backyard.

-You can light a match on an unpainted piece of furniture.

When you think you left a baby on the roof of your car, it's a good idea to slam on the brakes.

That boiling craw-dads without water in the pot is like making popcorn.

That you could get shot at 50 million times and have not one bullet hit you, not even graze you (even when you're running in the middle of the road, unprotected, directly in the line of fire).

That the best thing to do when a man with "a panty on his head," a pack of dogs, and police officers are running through your house is to remain calm and seated.

That big, grubby men despite appearances are nimble and quick enough to catch flies by their legs between their fingers and exit a room in a split second without making a sound.

That cute babies can make hardened criminals that put "their work before family" skip around, melt and wail and suddenly become paternalistic.

That with a baby, you never. ever leave home without Dr. Spock.

--One should always be prepared to "Hit the dirt!" if one's father is prone to chucking hard candy at one's head.

It ain't armed robbery if the gun ain't loaded.

I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness.

Why wake up the security guard?

(and, of course) DON'T FERGIT HIS PROFILE, ED!

When tunneling out of prison, just by dumb luck, hit the main sewer line.

Lawrence Spivey, one of Dick Nixon's early Secretaries of Agriculture, spent time in an AZ prison.

Most men HI's age wouldn't accept prison as a substitute.

Shave your sideburns off when the pizazz goes out of your life.

____________________
"If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything." -George McFly