Truly awful!

It's painful to sit through that simpleton goof ball Jean Claude Van Douche with his hammy over the top acting, as if I'm watching a vaudeville clown on the screen. With his annoying face, and receding hairline, and phoney accent.

You're not fooling anybody with that accent, buddy. We all know you were a hairdresser in Idaho called Eric Johnson before you started selling ass on the Sunset Strip and blew a producer to get your break.

Why do you think he learned to do the spilts? So he can fit producer, director, casting director all up his ass at the same time and cover every base. That's why he always looks so greasy, because of the litres of vasaline he needs to keep his career going.

Van Dum, and his clownville acting style. While I have mastered the acting techniques of subtlety, understated, and underaggerated expression of self painting a much bigger picture and showing an acting masterclass akin to Marlon Brando in his prime. I could wipe the floor with De Niro even on a bad day. I own every frame, my intensinisity burns a hole in the screen.
I'm well versed in the Stanislavsky technique, as I am completely believable as a living, breathing human, while Van Douch Nozzle is completely believable as a circus clown.

I expertly showcase that difficult acting style of using very little to show a lot, small micro movements of my face muscles, an eyebrow twitch, small hand gestures, saying a thousand words, but doing very little on screen.

Numbers don't lie Van Douche Nozzle, I've made $722,451,316 global box office, while your pitiful attempt has only brought in $566,376,315. Ha haaa I laugh in your face, tough guy!

Next time we meet Van Dumb, don't try to hide behind your wife and kids again. We go 1 v 1 Aikido style, I'll show your wife and kid what a real man is. You think you're such a badass with your ineffective splits and wimpy kicks. Try the splits on me, and I'll kick you in the face.

And don't even try to do "gun-fu" Van Dickless! I invented gun-fu before they even named it. I'm the original John Wick on steroids, while John Prick "Keanu" stole my whole style.

That big dummy Keanu was still in high school picking his nose in history class when I was on the street rounding up the Mafioso.

We all know your name is fake "Keanu", word on the street is you're really called Bill Preston from Utah before you started selling ass on sunset strip to get your break. I heard his blow jobs are legendary.

Gus Van Sant even made a film about the Keanu story "My Own Private Iowa" when he lived on the street dishing out handies for money before his break. He was supposed to play himself in that movie, but he was that bad of an actor, Gus had River Phoenix play Keanu, while Keanu took his rightful place as side ass.

I've heard "Keanu's" perfect casting is to play an Ent from Lord of the Rings, but I don't know what that is, books ain't my thing.

His destiny is to be in a double act with Hacksaw Jim Duggan playing his 2x4. HO!