What movie could have been over in 10 minutes if the main character wasn't such a fool?
This ridiculous twaddle was foisted on the world as ‘fan fiction’, inspired by that most offensive of all vampire sagas, ‘Twilight’. I can’t imagine how in hell one inspired the other. They both take place in Seattle, so I guess it’s legit…
The very idea of a 27 year old billionaire, making his money present day in the magazine business, requires a Stars Wars level suspension of disbelief. He’s a glider and helicopter pilot, a gifted pianist, and judging by those abs, spends three to four hours a day working out. One is awed by how he manages to do all this and run a billion dollar business in a 24 hour day.
Enter this girl child…
She’s Anastasia Steele. She’s new to the Internet, doesn’t have an email account. She doesn’t own a computer. She has a college degree, and she’s about 22 years old. And, oh yeah, she’s a virgin.
See what I mean?
Grey meets this stereotypical American virgin, and does what all men do. He claps one delicate hand to his head and cries “I must have her!”
“And I must have a contract for our creepy ass, barely consensual relationship!”
Everything about Christian Grey (!) screamed weirdo! From the moment she met him, he was a creepy, manipulative, narcissist that controlled everything about her. But it’s okay, because Anastasia’s self talk goes something like this…
“My inner goddess is swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm.”
Yeah..
So it’s a very short walk from Madonna to well, Madonna.
It’s all fun and games. Eventually, she gives up trying to make this freak act like a real man, and gives in to the handcuffs and the slap and tickle. And then one night, she lets him flog her with a belt. It dawns on her that this guy has got issues, and also dawns on her that this lifestyle hurts like hell.
She leaves him. End of story.
No, that’s really the end of the story.
This excruciating dog fart of a movie should have been over the minute the elevator doors closed. Maybe, as the credits rolled, you would see her filling out paperwork for the restraining order. The Easter Egg after the credits would be her winning a lawsuit for a few million.
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