I'm sure s/he didn't mean to say that connection with the mother on the very first day after birth was the ONLY factor that creates a socially/emotionally healthy child. But infancy DOES bring one of the first, and most powerful, lessons that a child learns, which shapes their interaction with the world forever after: when I am an infant and have no language, I cry, and my caregiver comes. I cry, and s/he feeds me. I am wet, and cry, and s/he changes me. I am scared, and cry, and s/he picks me up and cuddles me. That is how children learn that the world (and people in it) is a safe, predictable place. And if they cry, and no one responds, (or the caregiver responds but not in a healthy manner) then the child learns that the world is a pretty scary, lonely place. And they learn that they must really be unloveable, if they can't even inspire love in their own mom. We all know that phrase "a face only a mother can love"--what does it mean when you can't even get your own mom to love you? You must be pretty terrible. So a kid who is born to a mom who is unable to love (or respond to) that child grows up thinking they are unloveable. Unworthy. This experience is very often present in children who have attachment disorders, severe personality disorders, and sociopathy. Not always, but very often.
Of course a child who does not have access to their mother in the early weeks of their life (such as being hospitalized after a traumatic birth, or being raised in an orphanage) can overcome that. But it requires a parent/caregiver who responds to the child's needs in a consistent way after that. Which it certainly sounds like you did with your child, in spite of his/your birth experience. I'm sure that's a big part of why your son is emotionally healthy now. One of the very first scenes with the infant Kevin shows the baby crying in a shrill manner, and mom is holding him at arms length, saying "hey, hey, hey" and *smiling* at the baby in a nervous manner. She was doing the best she could do, but it was not an empathic response. If you cry and someone gives you a tense smile, do you feel comforted? No.
I feel this movie (and the book it was based on) provided no clear answer, which feels very real to me. I feel the mom was not ready to be a mom, she was ambivalent about the child before he even came into the world, and when he did arrive, he was not an easy child to bond with. And she held him at arm's length (literally and figuratively) and provided physical care, but did not give her love to him. And he knew it. Of course he grew up resenting her, and resenting his little sister who came along afterwards and easily inspired the mom's love. And dad missed every opportunity to support the mom and help his son. There is no one clear person to blame. That makes it all the more tragic, because we would be more comfortable if we at least knew who was to blame.
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