MovieChat Forums > The Dukes of Hazzard (2005) Discussion > Funniest review I ever read

Funniest review I ever read

posted 15 years ago by Cypherven
12 replies | jump to latest

Dukes of Hazzard, The

Half star out of four

A movie review by James Berardinelli

"Since it is not possible to endure The Dukes of Hazzard without finding some other task to occupy one's mind (straight viewing could result in brain damage), I passed the time by re-constructing what might have been the pitch meeting in which Warner Brothers executives green-lighted this project. This is reproduced here in lieu of a review (which would amount to a lot of negative adjectives strung together with phrases like "one of the worst movies of the year" and "makes The Devil's Rejects look a lot more appealing").

Executive #1: We need to find something to get us back on top.

Executive #2: But no one can come up with ideas that will appeal to teenage boys. All of our scripts are highfalutin' things, like the one Clint is directing. What's it called? Million Dollar Man? Wasn't that a Universal TV series?

Executive #1: No, Clint's movie is Million Dollar Baby, and has nothing to do with the TV series. More's the pity. Clint's made a lot of money for us, so we had to let him do it, even though it will sink like a rock. Have you read the script? What a downer. No one's going to see it. But I think you've got something there. Let's do another re-make.

Executive #2: How about a French film? We can change the ending to make it happy.

Executive #1: Nah. Even with the better ending, too arty. Remember: we want teenage boys. We need car crashes, chases, girls in bikinis, that sort of stuff…

Executive #2: What about a '70s TV show? Then we can get some of the dads too, since there will be the nostalgia thing.

Executive #1: Right, right. Make it cheap and it's sure to bring in the bucks. What shows haven't been remade? I think most of them have already been done.

Executive #2: CHiPs. Emergency! Marcus Welby M.D. The Dukes of Hazzard.

Executive #1: CHiPs is perfect, but it's not ours. Neither is Emergency! And how the hell are you going to get car crashes into Marcus Welby? The Dukes of Hazzard is a piece of *beep* but that means box office appeal. People love bad TV shows turned into movies.

Executive #2: I have an idea - how about making a movie so excruciatingly unbearable that it will make the TV series look good. That way, when we come out with the Dukes DVDs, people will be clamoring for them.

Executive #1: Brilliant! But we still need to pack enough people into the movie for it to make back its cost on opening weekend, before word gets out. By the Monday after its release, it will smell worse than three-day old fish.

Executive #2: We can hire a screenwriter, although we don't really need a script. Just have him throw something together about a car race and the bad guy, Boss Hogg, buying up land so he can strip-mine it. The Dukes are in the way, so he puts together a nefarious plot to get them out of the way. Then throw in all The Dukes of Hazzard elements. Avoid top-notch talent behind the camera. Hire a virtually unknown director and don't worry about competent editing. No one's going to care if there are continuity problems in the car chases or if nothing makes sense. In fact, why bother? Cut corners everywhere.

Executive #1: Speaking of talent, who do we get to star? The originals are alive, but they're too old. Maybe they could make cameos…

Executive #2: Foggedaboutit. No one will know who they are. Get two B-list guys whose salaries won't break the bank. Johnny Knoxville as Luke Duke (the one with black hair) and Seann William Scott as Bo (the blonde). Ray Ray and Stifler. Neither can act, so they won't upstage the car. And, let's face it - the General Lee makes the movie. Without the car, you don't have anything. During the TV series, half the fan mail was for that car.

Executive #1: What about the girl? The one in the hot pants.

Executive #2: Britney Spears?

Executive #1: No, she's passé. She couldn't open a movie if it came with a zipper. Maybe if we had made this a couple of years ago. When this movie hits theaters, she'll probably be barefoot and pregnant. How about the "Chicken of the Sea" girl? What's her name?

Executive #2: Jessica Simpson.

Executive #1: No, not the chick from the cartoon. The one from the reality show.

Executive #2: Yeah, Jessica Simpson. She can't act. She looks like a life-size Barbie, with an expression to match. Plastic. Like one of those expensive blow-up dolls.

Executive #1: Put her in a bikini and no male under 17 will care whether she can act. Who cares if it doesn't make sense why she's in a bikini. Just get her to undress in every scene. What about the rest of the cast? How about Willie Nelson as the whacked out uncle Jesse. Nelson's long hair and stoned look will be a perfect fit. Just as long as he doesn't sing "On the Road Again."

Executive #2: And Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg? A throwback to the Smokey and the Bandit days?

Executive #1: Reynolds? Isn't he dead?

Executive #2: Not officially, although his recent films have included a co-starring role opposite a bear and a re-make with Adam Sandler. He probably needs money, so we might be able to get him cheap. If not, we can always try Danny DeVito. He's the right shape.

Executive #1: Reynolds looks better in a white tux. Besides, we've already seen DeVito in a penguin suit!

(Mutual fake laughter.)

Executive #1: Who was the guy who did the title song and the voiceovers? Some old time singer. Engelbert Humperdinck?

Executive #2: Waylon Jennings.

Executive #1: Yeah, that's right. See if he's available. Get him if he's not dead. And if he is dead, get someone who sounds like him. I want that voiceover to be authentic. That's what we're aiming for - authenticity! Realism! Car chases with jumps that make the bus acrobatics in Speed look believable!

Executive #2: When do we release it?

Executive #1: August, of course. We don't want it going against anything that could be construed as a quality film. Jettison it amidst all the other garbage, and people will see it because they recognize the name. The only other choice is February, but action films don't do well at that time of the year. Too many people in the north freezing their asses off. Stupid idiots should all move to L.A.

Executive #2: I think we've got a winner. A dumb script. A director with few credits. A B-list cast. A cheap editor. A really bad movie with enough action scenes to make a trailer that will get kids to the theater during its first weekend, then sell DVDs of the series.

Executive #1: That's the ticket! With luck, this will garner tons of nominations!

Executive #2: Oscars?

Executive #1: No, you moron! Razzies! "

http://www.reelviews.net/php_review_template.php?identifier=933

[–] vanderghast 15 years ago

When we have to invent stuff to make something appears bad, maybe it is because the something is not bad enough all by itself. Thanks for that great example from a "Z"-list critic.

[–] Cypherven 15 years ago

Actually James Berardinelli is considered an "A"-list critic, he is listed as a Top Critic on rottentomatoes.

[–] vanderghast 15 years ago

Well, anyone is allowed to have counter performance, and this is a very poor one to add to his credit, as critic.

You see, even *if* he is a good critic (I don't know, but I take your words), that does not mean that he always produces good ones. Same, even if an actor is not good in other movies, that is not ENOUGH to mention that in order to dismiss his/her work in another SPECIFIC movie, but that is exactly what your 'good' critic just did.

Did I say it is a very poor critic? I should have said terribly bad critic, and when I said Z-list, I should have used the Swedish alphabet, and put it into the Ö-list class instead!

[–] kev374 14 years ago

vanderghast-

Did you actually see the movie?

In reality it was worse than the critic made it out to be.

I was so amazed you were defending this horrible movie so strongly (maybe blindly?) that I had to check out your other posts on this site.

Almost every one of your other posts have something to do with defending Sean William Scott(SWS) and I've come to the conclusion that you either are in fact SWS or are so in love with him that it has blinded you and any good taste you might have had.

Personally i think SWS is getting to be a half way decent actor. BUT, that said, this movie was pretty bad and Southland Tales is maybe the worst movie this side of Buffalo 66. And I thought I was a Richard Kelly fan until Southland Tales stunk up every screen it showed on.

Oh, one more thing after reading your last post I hope english is your second language, otherwise your a complete moron.

[–] vanderghast 14 years ago

I object about the "critic" made by the OP, not about the movie.

If I ever was SWS, I would have seen the movie, your rhetoric is ... funny.

And since when someone needs to be 'in love' in order to 'speak' ? Furthermore, even if it was the case, and it is not, so what? that would give a motivation for my presence, that would not invalidate my points. That is not as if my 'love', or my 'hate', was giving to my arguments a look of improvisation, or immaturity.

This board is about Dukes of Hazard, and your 'hate' blinded you to the point to bring Southland Tales in, and Kelly, ... Suggestion: try to keep the focus. A beheaded hen running around in all directions is unlikely to inspire respect, or agreement. It also leave an impression of immaturity, and improvisation.

And you did not object to my points themselves, because you can't? and so that is why you tried to attack me? The discussion is supposed to be about a movie, if you want to make it about me, great, but that is the wrong board.

And last note, I don't care about what you *hope*, in fact, I suspect no one does.

[–] kev374 14 years ago

I think i will be able to respond better in MY first Language.

Ok, låt mig först säga att jag njöt och håller med om vad de "kritiker" hade att säga, att Hollywood inte har någon fantasi kvar och att detta var en fruktansvärd film.

Men som för mitt svar, din rätt jag borde ha fokuserat på den aktuella frågan, och så långt som att inte kunna invända mot dina argument, skulle jag säga: Ni har ingen åsikt om vad "OP" hade att säga, du bara försökte förringa källan. Dessutom trodde jag ert argument om hur låg nivå du tyckte att "kritiker" var, var grundlösa och var förhatlig i sin egen rätt.

Avslutningsvis ska jag hålla fast vid mitt ursprungliga kvotering: Vanderghast-Jag tycker ditt inlägg var mycket omogna

[–] vanderghast 14 years ago

Unfortunately, that is not a discussion anymore, but a monologue?

(Interested readers can use http://www.microsofttranslator.com/ to obtain some 'translation' of the Swedish message presented here up... not a very good translation, but unless someone else can supply a better translation, that even the author does not feel the need to supply ... what else is left to say?)

Just in case you missed my point: the "critic" presented by the OP is a fiction, and turns into ridicule the fictious material of the fiction that he created. That is far from a critic about the movie. If I am "mycket omogna" (very immature) by saying that, then I am proud of it.

But again, that is from what I understand from the machine translation that I got.

[–] IMDb-Rot_in_Hell 8 years ago

Ugh. I hope you get hit by a car.

[–] rnibali 9 years ago

Oh, one more thing after reading your last post I hope english is your second language, otherwise your a complete moron.

And English must be your first language, right?

[–] jakemon08 14 years ago

quit reading with this- "Executive #2: I have an idea - how about making a movie so excruciatingly unbearable that it will make the TV series look good. That way, when we come out with the Dukes DVDs, people will be clamoring for them".

the first four seasons were out on dvd before the movie came out...

Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

[–] sludgehound 12 years ago

Yup dat be just like the Follywood guys act. Add on: Then we show it endlessly on local free TV in big cities all through the dog days of summer for years since it hardly dates. TBS alone is good for some commercial coin.
Can run it all up down the east coast since the funkiness has appeal from the too awful to resist viewing once to the die hard fans.
How cool that Romyan (Romney-Ryan) chose the southern town of Norfolk to launch their joint campaign. Will the South rise again? Looking good with both parties picking Dixie for convention settings. Crank out the oldies. Mix in the new The Campaign film and game on for the skank low levels of sub-pop culture if culture is the right word. Even genre doesn't fit for whatever target audience is for this dreck.
Oh hey guess have to wait until 2013 for that. Dreck with Jonathan Pryce and
Elliot Cowan.

In the near future, Frank Grieves is a new breed of police officer working in a city where all recreational drugs are legal. When he is taken off a case involving an unidentified corpse, he discovers that legalization has come at a price.

[–] MaximRecoil (4644) 6 years ago

"The Dukes of Hazzard is a piece of *beep* but that means box office appeal. People love bad TV shows turned into movies."

The Dukes of Hazzard was an awesome TV show, which means James Berardinelli is a dipshit. They made some bad decisions which led to some exceptionally bad episodes, such as the episodes without Rosco, the Coy and Vance episodes, and the last two seasons where they didn't do any real car jumps (they used recycled footage and hokey-looking miniature model cars), but James Best and Sorrell Booke were great actors and much of their stuff was ad-libbed; they were a brilliant comedy duo. Plus the show featured the best looking car ever made (second-generation Dodge Charger) and the best looking actress of the '80s (Catherine Bach).