MY REVIEW OF 'HOUSE OF THE DEAD'!!

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HOUSE OF THE DEAD(2003)

(Directed by Uwe Boll)

Plot: People get attacked by zombies on an island. YAY!

Review:

You know, Uwe Boll deserves his own theme song. I feel something like the "Damian" theme from "The Omen" would be good, except the chanting would be "UWE BOLL! HE'S COME TO MAKE SOME MOVIES! RUN AWAY!".....Okay, that's pretty lame, but so is Uwe Boll and all of his movies. If you don't know, Boll has a notorious reputation of being a horrible director with worse movies. I don't know how that's possible, but that's the Boll for you. While this isn't his first movie, this was the film that started his video game craze. Basically, he would make adaptations of bad video games and somehow make those games look quite appealing in comparison. It's kind of a shock too, because his first film, "Sanctimony", wasn't all that bad. But "House of the Dead" is often considered his worse, although "BloodRayne" might give it a run for its money.

You know your movie is probably going to suck when it begins with footage from the video game. It looks like one of the older games as well. Seriously, I have to get this off my chest. Who thought adapting "House of the Dead" to the big screen was a good idea? In truth, the film is actually more faithful than people tend to let on, but I'll go into that more later. Anyway, as for the video game footage, besides using it in the opening credits, he often uses it during scene transitions or for the action sequences. Ooh, you're so innovative Uwe. In fact, deep within all this crap, there is an entertaining movie. Unfortunately, that entertainment value is buried underneath layers of pretense, which Uwe considers to be innovation.

The story starts off on a bad note when we're introduced to Rudy(Cherry). Rudy has already gone through the ordeal on some island, and he spits out puerile dialogue that expresses how the place has the stench of death. You know, the smell of rotting zombies actually gives the opportunity to create some solid atmosphere. "Zombie" seems to be the only zombie movie that's actually toyed with it so far, but here it's just given a slice of hammy dialogue. Then he starts to narrate about how his friends got to the island, which already brings out a plot hole. Rudy wasn't there, so how would he know how they got there? Basically, his friends are all horror stereotypes: The goofy jock, the black chick, the pretty boy, the jocks girlfriend who's bound to go topless at one point, and of course his ex girlfriend Alicia(Grauer). I bet they're going to fall back in love again by the end of the movie! Oh, I hate being right. Oh yeah, Alicia and Rudy split up so he can go to med school and she can take fencing lessons. I don't really get how this constitutes as a reason for break up, but I bet they'll use those skills while on the island. Oh, I still hate being right. Oh yeah, he also states that they all died. THANKS FOR SPOILING IT FOR US *beep* Anyway, apparently everyone is going to some rave, and I can't help but notice those Sega banners in the background. Product placement? Anyway, this rave looks like an adults view of what modern day raves look like, but this isn't an uncommon trope.

As expected, zombies start showing up and attacking people, but we don't see most of this. We do see the group of friends miss their boat and have to look for someone to give them a ride. They run into Salish(Howard). Instantly we know this is going to be a bad movie just from Clint Howard's appearance. If he's in a movie, it's either because it's a Ron Howard movie or a bad one. Salish gives them attitude for no reason other than the fact that any character Howard tends to play is usually a jerk. Luckily, he's interrupted by Captain Kirk(Prochnow). Yes, there is a "Star Trek" joke. Kirk decides he will sail them to the island, which is called something like "The Island of Death" in Spanish. Original. Of course, he charges them money. However, badass bitch female cop Casper(Cornell) wants to search their boat but everyone ignores her and she follows them to the island on her boat. Wow, people in this movie have weird names.

Once everyone arrives at the island, they find it deserted. Of course, nobody is suspicious and I can't help but think if all the party-goers were dead, there would be lots of blood or something on the ground.....More signs of a struggle at least. Alicia suspects something is unusual, but the rest just want to have sex and drink boo's. Soon, they find Rudy who has locked himself up in a house with two of the other partiers. One is some pointless nerd who's dispatched quickly. He gives the sly references to George Romero and refers to his "Night of the Living Dead"/"Dawn of the Dead"/"Day of the Dead" trilogy as the holy trinity. I suppose that would make this movie Satan? Makes sense. He's also shacked up with Liberty(Clavell), some Asian chick who knows kung fu, because if you're Asian in an action film you're a kung fu expert by default. Of course, soon everyone becomes pretty badass, but Liberty uses kung fu more consistently and uses knives along with guns........Because she's Asian. Luckily, Captain Kirk happens to be a weapon smuggler, so everyone gets free weapons! Of course, this doesn't explain how they quickly become badass, blowing the zombies away and using high flying kicks to drive them off.

There are many things that make "House of the Dead" laughably bad. For one, no one seems to be reacting to the situation very realistically. I especially love how Casper treats this as if she's been through it before. Yikes, zombies sure don't impress this girl. Characters lose their friends and girlfriends and don't really respond too it. They even find time to fall in love and stuff. One guy starts getting all emo because his face has become damaged. Dude, there are zombies attacking. GET OVER IT! The plot contrivances are silly. Besides the weapons cache, they happen to find a book laying around that explains everything. Lucky them. The dialogue gets more ridiculous as time goes on. My favorite exchange is something like: "You created it all so you can become immortal. Why?" Er, didn't you just answer your own question? Sadly, the villain doesn't point this out and instead just says something like "So I can live forever". Well, that's what he just said, right? I've already explained one major plot hole. Another is how all those agents and army guys show up at the end with no explanation. How did they find out what's going on. Speaking of which, if the zombies killed all who went to the island, wouldn't the authorities figure this out eventually? If a bunch of college kids had a rave, then the island can't be that far or isolated.

Many accuse Uwe Boll is purposefully making his films to be bad. I actually disagree. To me, if you want to ruin a film, then don't try at all. You can tell because these are the movies where nothing happens. "House of the Dead" is full of style. It's just not very good style. You get disorienting close-ups', nauseating quick cuts, confusing editing and ambitious but bad zombie makeup. He also overuses that bullet time slow motion that "Four Flies on Grey Velvet" invented but "The Matrix" popularized. In essence, it's annoying, which is worse than boring. There is no suspense or tension what-so-ever, and Boll rips off a lot of movies. The most obvious, and embarrassing, is that poorly construed "Jaws" sequence. There is also a scene lifted from "The Fellowship of the Ring"(Hint: Replace wraiths with zombies and the hobbits with the jock). Boll would get better from here. In fact, I think he did a pretty damn good job on "Seed", which is actually kind of scary. But I seem to be the only one who thinks so.

"House of the Dead" might be the most loyal adaptation.......Well, except the fact that this doesn't take place in much of a house. Notice how the interiors keep changing in size? Either way, the house is pretty small. But think about it. As soon as the characters get guns they become professional zombie hunters. Isn't that like when we pick up the toy guns to play the game? So it wasn't just bad writing! It was bad writing that actually has an air of cleverness about it. Also, when people die, the camera would go around them in the same way that happens if you die in the game. Of course, there is a "Game over" line near the end. So really, it is quite the adaptation. I admit I've never seen anything like it before. Unfortunately, video game adaptations should follow the movie structure more. Plus, intentional or not, this movie still sucks.

Oh yeah, anything good to say? Well, there is blood and boobs. Although the boobs are quick and the blood is mostly due to the zombies being destroyed. Most character deaths are off screen. The movie does have some nice photography at times. What else.....Captain Kirk was badass and there is one scene of bullet time that was actually pretty slick. A zombie jumps into the air and throws an axe at Casper, who responds with a shotgun blast. I liked how it was shot and it looks pretty cool. Sadly, these don't save the movie from being the doggy poo that you step in by accident. Er, by that metaphor, I guess I stepped in it on purpose.....

Jonathan Cherry(Rudy) always felt off. To be fair, his dialogue was the worst. Ona Grauer(Alicia) does the best as the heroine. Not much of a part though. Ellie Cornell(Casper) tries too hard to be the tough chick. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Jurgen Prochnow(Kirk) is awesome. Enuka Okuma(Karma) is pretty weak, but once again, not much of a part. Lol, she's Lady Une from "Gundam Wing"? Damn! Kira Clavell(Liberty) does okay as the Asian chick. Clint Howard(Salish) makes a fool of himself.....Well, he always does. So this is nothing new. He is pretty funny though. The acting is pretty bad all around. But the dialogue might be at fault here.

Violence: Rated R. Violent enough I suppose.

Nudity: Rated R. Three breast shots.

Overall: It's a horrible movie. Your only chance of enjoying it is if you like really bad movies. I do, but I didn't enjoy this. Boll's "style" killed any entertainment value it had for me. Shame. But really, did anyone expect this to be good?

1/4 Stars


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