MovieChat Forums > House of the Dead (2003) Discussion > Mayonnaise

Mayonnaise

posted 17 years ago by Klaydoggy
12 replies | jump to latest

I recently watched this movie. A friend of mine saw it earlier, and warned me against it, but, I watched it anyway to see why.... lets just say his warning made me curious.

How wrong I was to ever not listen to him.

After seeing this abomination against mankind, I found it hard to put a rating on it (e.g. 1 out of 10.)

I felt this movie didn't even deserve a numerical rating, so my only other option was to rate it as I saw it fit.

Mayonnaise.

To me, mayo is the most foul substance on the earth. As is this entire movie, or to cut out most of it, the "gunfight outside the house" is enough to rate this "mayonnaise".

I had always heard that this movie sucked, and that Boll was a horrible filmmaker. I never saw any of his movies, so I always kept my mouth shut.

Now I know better.

I even kinda felt bad for the guy after watching this, thinking MAYBE he was in reality, mentally challenged, and you know.... people shouldn't be making fun of mentally challenged people... that is taking it too far, I think... but.. COMEON.. who watches the playback of the Gunfight scene and says "PERFECT!"

I will say that I am amused by his beating up of people who bash his movies, and his making fun of himself in Postal.... but House of the Dead was a disaster.

I LOVE zombie movies. I would even go as far as to call House of the Dead 2, a "BAD zombie movie"... (I know Boll didn't make it)

but, this movie...

plain and simple...

is Mayonnaise.

On a scale of 1 to 10... it is Mayonnaise.

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"Luke, I am your father." - Never said in any Star Wars movie.

[–] A_Boy_And_His_Dog 17 years ago

I like Mayonnaise, but that review kicked ass.

[–] 17 years ago

[deleted]

[–] psdhart 9 years ago

I like Mayonnaise, but that review kicked ass.

same here

[–] Klaydoggy 17 years ago

I just wanted to add something to this.

I found something worse than Mayonnaise.

A friend of mine told me, he saw a showing of this on Sci-Fi. And it was edited, of course, so that the nudity was cut out of it.

Seeing as the edited version would then have NOTHING EVER positive about it, (seeing as the nudity, being the only reason to watch any few seconds of it, was then gone) I have classified something worse than "Mayonnaise".

The edited version of this filth is now known as "Naked Cloud"

Let me explain.

Cloud Strife, is the hero of the video game Final Fantasy VII. He seems all cool and whatever until you see him in Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, the CGI movie sequel to the game. In that, you see him as an over-emo whiny b*tch. After watching that trash, I found what would be worse than Mayonnaise.

Naked Cloud = Picture Cloud Strife's own written song/poem/blog/whatever those sad bastards on Myspace whine about, all printed out on a piece of paper. He is continually whining about his personal life, his sitation, his ongoing confrontation with Sephiroth, whatever else he has to cry about, all on a piece of paper. Now picture that you look at this poem/song/whatever, and when looked at closely, you see that every character on the page is made up of tiny little naked Clouds having gay sex with one another.

I present to you, Naked Cloud. The worst anything ever, and also known as the edited version of House of the Dead.

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"Luke, I am your father." - Never said in any Star Wars movie.

[–] worldofbong 17 years ago

No you were right the first time, mayonnaise is the most revolting substance in the universe, it can't possibly get any worse than that, except of course if you smothered cow jizz on your sandwich, but I have yet to see any solid proof that mayonnaise and cow jizz aren't in fact the same thing.

BUT, I have to kindly disagree with your assessment of House of the Dead.. It WAS bad of course, but imo it was so bad that it was in fact good.

So I'd have to rate this a Paris Hilton. Now Paris is not that cute, she's certainly not somebody you'd wanna get to know very well, but I don't know many dudes that would turn down a couple hours of mindless fun with her.. and that dear sirs is exactly what this movie has to offer, if, of course, you're able to overlook it's inadequacies..

Dr Bong Music & Videos http://www.worldofbong.com

[–] Klaydoggy 17 years ago

Wow..

I have to strongly disagree with this.

I LOVE when movies are "soo bad they are good".. say, for instance...

Snakes on a Plane, or The Creeping Terror...

But HotD is just plain... "soo bad, it goes around good completely, and lands again on bad"

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"Luke, I am your father." - Never said in any Star Wars movie.

[–] worldofbong 17 years ago

Ah, agree to disagree. I don't think I've ever been able to sit through an entire viewing of "Snakes on a Plane", I thought it was perhaps some type of torture device devised to interrogate prisoners at Guantanamo Bay - I give you props for enduring it!

House of the Dead is painfully bad, but also unintentionally hilarious imo. You may have watched it, but have you watched it on WEEEED?

Also goes good with some x, especially if you turn that techno cheeze soundtrack up to full blast. Its a fun movie to show people if only to witness the "wtf?" expression for an hour and a half straight.

Dr Bong Music & Videos http://www.worldofbong.com

[–] LaraCroftLegacy 17 years ago

funny review even know I hate this movie and do not like mayonnaise

DarkAlessa now the end of day and Iam the Reaper:silent hill

[–] Klaydoggy 16 years ago

Gametrailers.com recently did a "10 worst game movies" and this isn't #1.

Clearly they have no idea what they are talking about.

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"Luke, I am your father." - Never said in any Star Wars movie.

[–] Kombat_Karl 16 years ago

indeed.

[–] bleight2 16 years ago

Mayonnaise is gooooooood!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Die Hard is my favorite Christmas Movie!

[–] 16 years ago

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