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Parody Script: X2: X-Men United

posted 4 years ago by AP (5288)
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X2

WHITE HOUSE

President: I know a bunch of government guys want me to sign anti-mutant legislation but I really don’t think that’s necessary.

Nightcrawler: Guten Tag!

President: Ah, scary mutant attack! I might need to rethink things.

PRISON

Magneto: It `tis I, Magneto. This paltry prison shall not keep me for long.

Security Guard: Shut up, Gandalf!

Magneto: Yes, you shall be the first to die.

Stryker: Y'all mutants disgust me. I’mma gonna see to it that y’all get what’s com’n to ya.

Magneto: Stryker! Oh, that this prison were not made of plastic!

Stryker: Yee-haw! Here we go with the mind-control serum!

Magneto: Ack!

MANSION

Wolverine: Alright, that’s two scenes at the beginning of the movie without me. Let’s not let that happen again.

Cyclops: I am still Jean Grey’s boyfriend.

Wolverine: Yeah. I’m gonna steal her like I stole your motorcycle.

Cyclops: I have no emotions.

Jean: Hi Logan. I think about you while making love to Scott.

Wolverine: I know.

Rogue: Me and Ice Man are also a thing now.

Ice Man: Yeah, I have a bigger role this time. It’s cool.

Storm: I’m back too. I think there’s an attempt at an arc with me. Maybe something about faith in humanity? I dunno.

Xavier: Bad news everyone! The president was attacked. I’m gonna ask my old buddy Magneto if he knows anything. Meanwhile, I used Cerebro to locate the mutant who attacked him. Jean and Storm will go capture him.

Wolverine: You need to be careful with Cerebro. It was used against you in the last movie. Seems bad guys can do some pretty evil things with it.

Xavier: I’m sure Cerebro will never be used against me again. Scott, let’s go to the prison.

PRISON

Security Guard: Nice shades, jerkface. Who’s the bald guy in the wheelchair? Your dad?

Cyclops: The joke’s on you. I have no feelings, so it’s impossible for them to be hurt.

Xavier: Hey, Magneto.

Magneto: Do you know who I ran into, Charles? William Stryker.

Xavier: Stryker? The military leader who had a mutant son whom he wanted me to cure but I didn’t because I want mutants to co-exist with humanity, so he got mad and took his son away, resulting in his disappearance? That William Stryker?

Magneto: The same.

Xavier: That’s nice. What’s he been up to?

Magneto: It’s funny you should ask. He has developed a mind control serum and forced me to give up the location of your school. His team should be capturing your students as we speak.

Xavier: Oh,... That’s not good.

Magneto: I’d like to take this time to remind you I was right.

Xavier: What’s that smell?

(gas knocks them out)

Cyclops: I will save you!

Deathstrike: I’m basically a female Wolverine.

Cyclops: I cannot stop the female Wolverine from knocking me out anymore than I can stop the male Wolverine from stealing my girlfriend.

(gets knocked out)

Cyclops: I will… disappear… for most of the movie now…

MANSION

Ice Man: I like Rogue, but touching her can kill me, so our sex life has been a little cold.

Wolverine: Eh, it’s a good way to die. Go for it.

Ice Man: They’re seriously leaving you alone with us?

Wolverine: Why not?... Wait, I smell an action scene!

(Stryker’s men enter the mansion and start tranqing students)

Wolverine: BERSERKER TIME!

(Wolverine goes berserk)

Stryker: Bah Gawd! Wolverine is that yew?

Wolverine: I have amnesia, so I don’t recognize you. This is getting out of hand. I’ll need to escape with the three most important students at this school.

Rogue: That’s me.

Ice Man: Me too!

Colossus: What about me, comrade?

Wolverine: Maybe next movie.

Pyro: I have a larger role in this one. I’m coming!

Wolverine: Let’s go. We’ll meet up with Jean and Storm when they get back from Germany.

GERMANY

Storm: We’ve tracked this dangerous mutant to this old church. We gotta be careful.

Jean: I’m not worried. I’m getting more powerful these days. Probably as a set up for when I get to be the Phoenix. That sort of thing.

Storm: I wish they would give me an important character arc.

Jean: I caught the mutant!

Nightcrawler: Mein Gott!

Jean: Why did you try to kill the president?

Nightcrawler: It vasn’t me. It vas a man named Villiam Stryker who used a serum to control my mind.

SOME BAR

Security Guard: Even drinking beer, I’m a jerk.

Mystique as Hot Woman: Hi, I’m a hot chick and not an evil shapeshifter.

Security Guard: What’ve you been up to?

Mystique: I’ve been impersonating an evil senator to get access to the maximum security prison where they’re keeping Magneto. Then I tracked you down, knowing you worked there.

Security Guard: That’s so hot.

Mystique: I got you another drink.

Security Guard: A hot chick and a free beer? It’s my lucky night.

Mystique: I put a roofie in it.

Security Guard: But I’m supposed to roofie y-... Zzzzzzzz.

[–] AP (5288) 4 years ago

PRISON NEXT DAY

Security Guard: Even hung over and going to work, I’m a jerk.

Magneto: Hello, Security Guard. My, that is a lot of iron in your bloodstream. Did you by any chance run into an attractive woman last night who drugged you and likely injected something into you?

Security Guard: Yeah, why?... AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Magneto: Hoo-ha. Killing people and escaping prison is so delightful.

ICE MAN’S FAMILY HOME

Ice Man: We can stay with my family until we can contact the others.

Rogue: So they’re accepting of mutants?

Ice Man: Not really. I kinda haven’t told them yet. I hope they’ll be chill about everything.

Wolverine: I found a communicator in Cyclops’ car. I’ll call Jean and Storm.

Ice Man’s Mom: We love you, Bobby.

Ice Man: By the way, I’m a mutant.

Ice Man’s Mom: We hate you and we called the cops.

Pyro: This is bullshit! I’m so angsty and angry at humans.

(Pyro blows up cop cars)

Rogue: Maybe taking him along was a bad idea.

Wolverine: Jean and Storm are coming here to pick us up. What’d I miss?

Ice Man: My family hates me and Pyro attacked some cops.

Wolverine: Aaaand that’s our cue to leave. Get to the plane!

[–] AP (5288) 4 years ago

SOMETIME LATER ON THE X-PLANE...

Wolverine: … So some military guy who may or may not know me is sending his people after us. He’s behind everything. Who is this?

Nightcrawler: I am Kurt Wagner, but in ze circus, I vas known as the amazing Nightcralwer!

Wolverine: This guy’s pretty likeable. He better not steal my thunder in my own damn movie.

Jean: We have aircraft coming after us.

Storm: Wow! I can make tornadoes and get them off our tail. I’m doing something you guys!

Wolverine: Why are they letting you guys do stuff? That’s not fair!

Jean: The force winds have knocked us off course. We’re going down.

(The jet drops, but Magneto catches it on the ground)

Magneto: Guess whooooo?

Wolverine: DAMMIT!

STRYKER’S COMPOUND

Stryker: Hey-there, Charles. Are ya’ll comfortable?

Xavier: Not really. Hey, who’s the guy in the wheelchair with the big scar up his head?

Stryker: You remember my son, Plot Device, don’t yew? You didn’t cure him and whatnot, so I went ahead and gave him a lobotomy. I’ve been using his brain fluids to make mind-control serums like I did to this-here mutant woman.

Deathstrike:......

Xavier: Ah. Also, I’ve noticed we’re in a room that looks a lot like Cerebro.

Stryker: About that. I stole the equipment from yer school and I’m using my son to make you connect to every mutant mind in the world. See, I figure I can use ya to kill all mutants, see’n as how I hate them.

Xavier: I have the most powerful mind in the world. I will not -

Stryker: MIND CONTROL SERUM!

Xavier: … So you need me to connect my mind to every mutant in the world, do you?

[–] AP (5288) 4 years ago

THE WOODS

Magneto: Stryker’s people kidnapped Charles Xavier.

Jean: What about Cyclops?

Magneto: Who?

Wolverine: Doesn’t matter! We need to find Stryker. He said he knew me but I don’t remember him. Now, a while back, I learned about some hidden base at Lake Alkali while I was looking for my origins.

Magneto: Well, it just so happens you were in the right place. Stryker is there and so is Xavier and all the students he captured. You’ll probably learn something about your past in the process.

Wolverine: That’s convenient.

Jean: So we leave tomorrow.

Wolverine: Before we turn in, Jean, there’s something important I need to tell you.

Jean: Yes?

Wolverine: Since Cyclops is probably dead, I want to have sex with you. And even if he’s alive… I still want to have sex with you.

Jean: But Logan, the plot demands I choose Cyclops.

Wolverine: I see. Well, I’ll be in my tent.

(later in the tent)

Wolverine: If only I had a shower nearby.

Mystique as Jean: Hey, sexy! Choke me like you did when we met.

Wolverine: Aw, yeeeeeaaaaah.

Mystique: LOL! I tricked you into making out with me.

Wolverine: Gross!

STRYKER’S COMPOUND

Stryker: I say I say I say… How Mr. Xavier is doing this morning?

Xavier: I’m good and brainwashed, sir.

Stryker: Then let’s kill us some mutants.

Soldier: There’s a Mr. Wolverine at the door, sir.

Stryker: Bah Gawd, he has returned. Let him in.

Mystique: It’s not Wolverine, it’s me!

Stryker: What sort of calamity is this?

(Mystique takes over control of the base and locates the captured students)

Mystique: I’m in. I found the chambers where they’re keeping the students. I don’t see Xavier, but I’m not too concerned. It’s not like he’s my adopted brother or anything.

[–] AP (5288) 4 years ago

X-PLANE

Jean: Rogue, Ice Man, Pyro. You guys stay on the plane.

(they leave)

Ice Man: We’ve been put on ice.

Rogue: Let’s look at the controls of the plane in case we have to make a last-ditch effort rescue.

Pyro: This is bullshit! I don’t like being told what to do. I’m leaving.

(back inside the base)

Wolverine: I’ve come to kill you, Stryker.

Stryker: See this-here big vat of metal goop? It’s adamantium. I used this to make your bones unbreakable. It was all a part of the Weapon X Project, which you were involved in.

Wolverine: Save it for my origin movie, bub!

Stryker: Well, I’ll be going now. I’ll just leave you here to fight Deathstrike.

Wolverine: Good! It’s been a while since I’ve had a fight scene. Just as long as none of the other X-Men get involved. They’ve looked too cool in the past few scenes.

(Wolverine and Deathstrike fight)

Storm: Here are the students.

Nightcrawler: I’ll teleport into ze room and free zem.

Jean: I can sense Charles in this other room.

Cyclops: I have returned in this movie. Also, I’m brainwashed.

Jean: Go. I’ll take care of this.

Magneto: Well, he’s certainly not interesting enough for me to kill. Come, Mystique.

Mystique: We’re such a better couple than them.

(Jean and Cyclops fight, resulting in an explosion)

Jean: What the hell, Scott. This place will probably flood and collapse now.

Cyclops: But I am no longer brainwashed.

Jean: Fine. Whatever.

[–] AP (5288) 4 years ago

(back with Xavier and Stryker’s son)

Xavier: Well, here I go killing all mutants.

All mutants everywhere: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Magneto: Oh, lucky me I have this helmet that protects me from this attack. I wonder how Wolverine feels now that I’m being awesome and he’s not?

Wolverine: God… dammit… Magnetoooo!... AAAAAHHHH!

Magneto: Okay, Charles. I’m here. Please stop killing all mutants.

All mutants everywhere: Whew!

Xavier: Oh, what are you doing?

Magneto: I am not like the evil humans. I shall not use you to kill all mutants... I’m going to reprogram so that you kill all humans instead.

Xavier: That’s not much better.

Magneto: I AM MAGNETO!

All humans everywhere: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Magneto: Ready to go?

Mystique: Sure. On our way out, let’s chain Stryker to a wall in case there’s a flood.

Stryker: Wait, what?... GAH!

Pyro: Hey, I’ve decided to leave the X-Men in order to pursue a career of being an evil henchman. Can I join?

Magneto: But of course.

Storm: We have to teleport into that room and get Xavier.

Nightcrawler: I’m afraid of teleporting through ze walls.

Storm: This is where I say something about faith. It’s that character arc I was talking about earlier.

Nightcrawler: Ve are in! But Stryker’s son is still in control!

Storm: I’ll make it get really cold in here and beat him. It’s pretty easy. I’m not sure why Charles was at his mercy. Oh well.

Xavier: I’m free!

Humans everywhere: Whew!

Storm: Get Xavier and we’ll just leave the Plot Device to die now that this place is collapsing.

(they teleport out with Xavier and leave Plot Device to be crushed by debris)

Wolverine: Okay, we’ve all made it out but this area is flooding. Where is the plane?

Rogue: It’s over here, you guys! I flew it to this entrance in case you needed it.

Cyclops: But… I fly planes?

Jean: No one is talking to you, Scott! Everyone prepare for take off.

Storm: There’s no power… Rogue did you crash it?

Rogue: Well I got it here, didn’t I?

[–] AP (5288) 4 years ago

Jean: No sweat. I’ll use my telekinesis to power the plane.

Wolverine: Good idea,... but why are you going outside?

Jean: I have to stand outside to do it.

Wolverine: But you’ll die in the flood. There’s no logical reason why you should stand outside. I mean, couldn’t you just as easily power it up from in here?

Jean: I gotta turn into the Phoenix somehow.

Wolverine: NOOOOO!!!!

Cyclops: NNNOOOOO… Whoa, I have feelings?

Stryker: Hell and damnation, is that flood com’n my way?

Jean: See everyone in the next movie.

(Jean dies and the plane takes off)

WASHINGTON DC

President: So let’s go ahead with our anti-mutant legislation.

Xavier: Not so fast. Stryker was behind it all and we have evidence.

President: Okay. I won’t sign the bill to allow giant killer robots to roam the streets.

Xavier: What?

President: What?

MANSION

Cyclops: I’m so sad Jean died.

Wolverine: I too miss the hot lady. On the upside, I get to be in more movies! Tune in next time for Wolverine: The Last Stand!

Cyclops: Isn’t it called X-Men: The Last Stand?

Wolverine: Whatever you say.