Episode Twenty
So it's been a while! And I'd actually forgotten where I left off, but I'm up to speed now, Spacy Tracy just found the one ring that will unite the most powerful couple in 90210 land, Buffalo Baja has hooked up with Val, Steve and Clare are back together, Dave the rave is doing god knows what, Donna is still deciding between him and Cliff the wooden chair, and Nat still isn't doing any acting and I can't remember anything else so hopefully this episode refreshes my memory.
Anyways here goes, (Deep breath)...........
So Val is having one of her Daddy Kruger nightmares, though she needn't worry Buffalo Baja is right on hand to comfort her and tell her she has to "face it all", does that mean she's gonna go into dreamland Nancy Thompson style and extract her father, bringing him into the real world and beating seven shades of sht out of him for all the abuse she suffered? Anyways she sits there crying while Buffalo Baja gives us his best blue steel impression.
St Kelly of Moron is on the beach alone being all dramatic writing in the diary Val got her at Xmas, moaning on and on about being alone, and that Baja's in London with Brenda and Brando is in love with Tracy. Could she not have confided in her friends instead of murdering our eardrums with her interminable dross? Who gives a fck!
Brando's called a production meeting for the 100th news show (that nobody will watch) with the staff including Spacey who's extra pissed that Brando metaphorically pied her in the face when she found THE RING and turned down her request of marriage on his behalf. Who the fck goes into a drawer pulls out a ring and then goes "hmmm this must be for me! let's get married!!" Has there ever been a more pathetic character on the show? I think not.
Abbie Malone arrives at Casacult looking as miserable as ever. If this woman walked past a bouquet of flowers they would shrivel up and die. Why does this woman NEVER smile? She should be happy she's allowed to stay at such sacred quarters! Anyways she wants Val to sign something that I really don't give two fcks about and I'm calling her Happy Malone from here on.
Arnold Squared the genius fails to see the cue card telling him what to say during the 100th news show (that no one will watch) forcing Brando and Tracy to awkwardly direct him to said cards. Anyways he absolutely massacres the short lines he has to say while everyone laughs at him standing there like the village idiot.
Kelly's also in attendance, lurking Michael Myers style in the background eyeing up Brando. Brando spots her and makes his way over, telling her she looks great and asking how about her life at present, stumbling through some pointless chit chat and trivial banter acting like they've only known each other for twenty minutes.
This catastrophe of cheese is interrupted by nutjob Spacy who is clearly raging at the sight but acts cordial accepting Kelly's ridiculous offer of a BBQ through gritted teeth. Anyways she storms off after giving Brando an earful, not being able to hold back any longer. They get back to her dorm and she accuses him of cheating on her and blah blah blah blah blah I'm asleep. I really hate Tracy. Where is Saint Finley when we need him? He'd know exactly what to do with this rough beast!
Donna's at the funfair with Cliff the wooden chair whining about how she's feeling bad and she doesn't want to hurt Dave the rave. Not for too long though as three seconds later they're feasting on each other's faces like two lions chowing down on a zebra carcass.
Night time and Val's reliving the time Daddy Kruger came to her room and read her bedtime stories. She wakes up and drives over to Happy Malone's hotel room to have it out with her, accusing her of knowing what Daddy was up too all those years ago. Happy will not hear any bad against her hubby and slaps Val across the face before Val runs off into the night. I hate this storyline!!
Oh for fck's sake it's Kelly and her diary, ear raping us about fate and her and Brando being meant to rule 90210 land with an iron judgmental fist. I need to fast forward here.
Back to the laugh riot of a scene where Happy Malone shows up at the AD to hear every gory detail from Bufalo Baja and Val on the escapades of her dead hubby. The whole casual approach that deep dark secrets where exchanged between three people like they were talking about the weather was superb.
Spacy has shown up at Kelly's apartment to tell her that Brando still has THE RING. Failing to mention she made an absolute moron of herself by presuming the ring was for her and proposing to herself on Brando's behalf. She tells her to let him go because he's he's mine and you turned him down and blah blah blah. They both agree they need to sort this mess out for good. Or til the next time Spacy gets jealous and goes boogaloo, best estimates being a few hours.
Meanwhile Brando's at the jewellers returning the ring to Jason Priestly dressed up in some stupid looking mask butchering his attempt at a German accent. This vanity fest is mercifully ended when Brando inevitably can't return it until he knows things are really over with Kelly, who just happens to be waiting outside having used her detective skills to hunt him down.
Again they fumble through some boring rhetoric agreeing that a relationship would be too much and as before acting like they've only known each other for twenty minutes. When did these two ever lose the ability to communicate?! We all know they're gonna end up together so why the fck drag it out and have us suffer Spacy for the remainder of the season?! Just get on with it!
Farewell Happy Malone you won't be missed and adios Buffalo Baja who's being expelled by Val because he reminds her of Daddy Kruger. I will miss the essence of Baja! Who else is left to embody such brooding?
Brando's at nutjub's dorm after returing THE RING, effortlessly winning her affection back with some really awful bracelet she's never gonna wear. She goes into stupid mode again believing he really does love her and dives into his arms grinning manically.
Kelly's walking on the beach doing her best Baja impression, clutching THE RING and raping ears again with her latest diary entry which reveals she went back to the jewelers to buy THE RING because she didn't want anyone else to have it. This moron, instead of blowing the money on something fun like any normal 21yr old she buys a fcking ring that's gonna lie in a box for the rest of time.
Anyways I've had enough and I'm out of here, as usual Nat still can't act!
Til Next Time...
"All those things I can do, all those powers. And I couldn't even save him."
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