The most unintentionally hysterical opening 20 mins i have ever seen

This film is without doubt the most brilliantly hilariously rubbish film I have ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, this film makes me laugh like you wouldn’t believe. And i love the 80's films with all that Van Damme and Arnie cheese that came out. Nothing beats it. Its hysterical on so many levels. But it’s the directors intention of actually making this a serious film that I find ridiculous. If the director had intended to make Kurt and Eric two of the biggest douchebags in the world then it would have made a fine comedy. Unfortunetely the director intended to make them cool, likeable redeeming protagonists (this applies a lot more to Kurt than Eric). However what I witnessed in the first 20 minutes was two of the biggest douchebags ever stumbling from one disaster to another.

Lets start from the beginning. We have Eric ‘The Eliminator’ Sloan sporting one of the worst perms I have ever seen beating up a seemingly useless opponent (who I presume is the next best guy in America in Kickboxing) wearing what looks like pyjama bottoms. Since when did kickboxers wear pyjama bottoms?!! Anyway after beating this opponent and defending his belt he gives a truly arrogant and racist interview to the press. After being told that Thailand are the best kickboxers in the world he instructs a member of his corner to book two tickets to Tokyo immediately. After being informed by Kurt that its Bangkok Eric brushes this off as irrelevant by saying ‘Bangkok, Tokyo. Whats the difference? Im kicking ass wherever I go”. Well Eric theres a huge difference you stupid twat! Theyre both different countries with different cultures, so have a little respect. Secondly how do you know that your better than what they’ve got? So arrogant.

We then see Eric and Kurt taking what looks like a romantic boatride in Bangkok. Eric’s wearing a cheesy yellow short sleeved shirt that looks too big for him and Kurt is sporting a sleazy looking sleeveless denim shirt. Now heres the second thing that really pisses me off about Eric. He’s such a cheapskate! He gets Kurt to pay for everything. Firstly Kurt pays for flowers on the boat. Secondly when they get out the taxi later Eric just gets out and walks across the street leaving Kurt to pay for the taxi again.

Then comes the most hilarious part. On approaching a two dollar hooker that’s sitting on a bench alone under a sign that says ‘PUSSY’ in hooker land Eric suddenly stops Kurt in his tracks by putting his hand out across his chest, takes the flowers off him and gestures to him in a way that says ‘this is how its done brother’. He then walks over to the two dollar hooker, gives her the flowers, puts his arm around her, smiles at her and then turns to his brother with a cheesy grin on his face before giving him the thumbs up! And then Kurt just stands there with his hands on his hips in utter awe of his big brother wondering ‘WAAAOOO! What a stud! How does he do it with woman?!!” OMG!! Eric, shes a two dollar hooker! Brendan Gleeson could get her for sex providing he flashes a little cash! I actually think Eric is that deluded and arrogant that he thinks his looks and charm gets the prozzie back to the hotel.

Furthermore when they arrive at the hotel Eric (getting out first with his 2 dollar prozzie leaving Kurt to pay for the taxi yet again) tells Kurt not to worry and hes ready for next weeks fight. Kurt says ‘watch your wallet’. Eric responds ‘She doesn’t want my wallet. She wants to make it with the champ!’. OMG! Eric, shes a hooker!! She’s been paid thousands of times to screw thousands of guys! She doesn’t like you, and she doesn’t care if you’re a champ! She just wants paid. That guy is beyond help.

We then see our two hero’s entering the park to practice. Who the hell goes to practice kickboxing in the local park when they’ve got a huge fight coming up? Such bad preparation.

Then when the two arrive at the arena (where Kurt who will be in his corner turns up wearing Chinos and a green shirt which is totally inappropriate attire for a cornerman) Eric is asked about the reported about facing their champ Tong Po. His response…”Piece a Cake”. Firstly Eric, their Thai bloody reporters! Did it ever occur to you that they might not grasp American sayings of figures of speech because of their limited English? Stupid twat. And secondly hes never even seen Tong Po fight, he hasn’t even bothered to research him. How the hell is he supposed to know what are his strengths weaknesses etc? Arrogant fool.

Then as both approach the changing room Kurt takes a detour to the ring realising these fighters are using elbows and knees (non kickboxing rules). Eric arrogantly just whistles to get his attention and waves him in the direction of the changing rooms. Since its Eric that is fighting you would think he would take more interest in the style of fighting he is coming up against. This is demonstrated in the changing room where Kurt tells Eric the style is so different here. Eric dismisses it immediately, tells him this place is a dump and to go and get some ice. That’s right Eric, just insult the state of the facilities some more. The idiot should have realized they weren’t in leafy California any more an in another part of the world. As a professional fighter he should be mature enough to deal with adverse conditions surrounding a fight.

When Kurt gets back Eric immediately lambasts him for being late and to give him the ice. Lazy sod, gets Kurt to do just about everything for him without ever saying thanks. Kurt then tries to warn Eric about Tong Po but Eric dismisses it as rubbish. He then demonstrates what looks like a really fast jiggy on the dancefloor that is supposed to resemble movement in the ring which is used to demonstrate to Kurt that because he moved that way and at that speed that Tong Po has no chance of landing a strike on him (which is complete crap). During this Eric then covers his body in ice making his muscles cold and his reactions slower. Is this guy completely braindead?!! Since when do fighters want to cool themselves down before a fight?! It’s the worst thing you can do! But Eric being Eric thinks he knows best.

Now to the fight. After getting his ass kicked in the first round Eric says ‘The f&&*er caught me with an elbow’. Well of course he did stupid! Its Muay Thai rules, not kickboxing you stupid douchebag! Kurt tried to tell you but you wouldn’t listen. You had lots of time to find this out, but you didn’t bother. Then after Tong Po finishes Eric (which is what that douchebag had coming to him) Kurt foolishly jumps into the ring and calls his brothers opponent an *beep* As if they collectively haven’t disrespected the country enough already. Then he gets kicked out and lands himself into the crowd. Can you imagine if the president of the American kickboxing/Muay Thai Federation (or whatever governing body Eric would have fought under) was there to witness those two clowns acting the way they were as American representatives on foreign soil?? He would have been embarrassed and disgusted.

After taylor tries to calm down Kurt demands that he takes him to a hospital. Pretty rude demanding that off a stranger now Kurt. Outside when Taylor eventually does take them to a hospital I don’t hear Kurt saying thank you or expressing gratitude. Furthermore the next morning when the doctor informs Kurt that his brother is paralyzed Kurt then grabs the doctor and threatens him with making Eric walk again. After Taylor eventually gets Kurt off and the doctor sincerely apologizes we get no Thank you from Kurt. All he does is selfishly chase Taylor down the hall and demands that he takes him to Tong Po. After Taylor rightfully claims he wants no part in it for very good reasons Kurt basically calls him a coward and that he doesn’t need his help. Ungrateful moron. The guy abandoned his plans to take you and your brother to the hospital in his own time and stayed with you all night to offer support and comfort and all he gets is abuse? These two are unbelievable.

Theres so many more examples of how selfish these two are but you get my drift. Hard to see how these two can come off as likeable.