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5) Nick likes his burritos a little more macho.
6) Designer drugs are as legal as whores and lawyers in Nevada.
7) Power lines and hot tubs don't mix.
OK, I love this movie, it is one of my guilty pleasures. Even so, there are a few things that I learned:
8. If you're blind and rely on your hearing to survive, go ahead and walk around with a walkman on while walking along the highway. Don't worry, no danger there.
9. Blind people can read raised lettering on an address sign, just by barely running their fingers over the letters, even thought they didn't even touch most of the letters.
10. Nick should work up an act.
11. If you're trying to get a mother to tell you where her son is, it's best to be pushy, obnoxious, and then shoot her with a shotgun. She would never help you if you showed her your badge and politely asked for help.
12. Nick will not step aside.
13. Blind people carry around photographs. Yeah, that makes sense. Just like when deaf people also carry around iPods.
14. No one has a goofier smile than Nick in a Vietnam photo, no one.
15. If it is you and your buddy's last night in Nam, your unit will pick you for the dangerous mission, especially is you're s-faced drunk from drinking alcohol out of your helmet.
16. If you are blinded in battle, you can wander away from two fighting armies unscathed, and end up in a bucolic village that is apparently only a few hundred yards away from the battle and yet never gets discovered by either side.
17. It's funny to spit rocks at kids and hit them in the forehead. No really, you should try it.
18. Even if you're soaking wet and covered in mud, the bus driver will let you on the bus.
19. There is a direct bus from Kansas to Reno (Evidenced by the sign on the bus, possibly from all the way from Miami.)
20. If you're a truck load of hillbillies openly carry rifles, shotguns, and machine gun pistons - it's OK, you don't have to worry about driving through a bus stop, no one will even notice.
21. Stalking a blind man through the corn? Perfect time for some popcorn!
22. Sure, the shotgun spread at that distance my be over 4 feet, but there is no chance that a pellet will hit you. Besides, the scarecrow (an old shirt stuffed with hay) is ample protection.
23. If you find a secret blade, the first thing you MUST do is test it by slicing your thumb.
24. If that blade cuts you, the only possible explanation is that it is cursed and must be disposed of as quickly as possible.
25. Too much linguine and escape artistry do not mix.
26. Pistol packing grandmas - that's why he supports gun control.
27. It's OK, the blind guy will drive. No really, that's much better than the myopic chick, or even the kid.
28. There are no tunnels in Reno.
29. You can have a car chase and gun fight in a metropolitan area, in the daytime, surrounded by casinos, driving down one way streets - and not a single cop will show up for the entire 10 minutes.
30. Annie can always count on Colleen.
31. Colleen never does anything except sit around her trailer doing yoga, which is apparently on a continuous loop on the TV, 24 hours a day.
32. Having really good hearing allows you to predict where a roulette ball will land before it is spun. (OK, I know Zatoichi won gambling, but that was betting on dice that had already fallen, not on future events.)
33. Electronic cheating devices always emit a barely audible beeping.
34. Some idiot will always push the basement button.
35. Even if Nick is slicing perpendicular to your face, he can slice off your eyebrows as if he were slicing parallel. Really, he's that good.
36. Slicing open the security pad will completely disable the entire elevator. Yeah, that's how it works.
37. The number one cause of bullet wounds to the head? Yoga. Will people never learn?
38. If you're being shot at in a corridor of a mountaintop resort, just hide behind some lockers. That 3/32" of aluminum is more than enough protection.
39. Lounges in mountain resorts usually leave their sound system on - even during the daytime when there is no one there.
40. Frank can quickly find the fuse box in any building and know exactly which one to pull to blind Nick's opponents.
41. If you're in a battle to the death with a sword master, don't forget to take the time to feel his face, divine his race, and guess his ethnicity. It's OK, he'll wait - it's just common courtesy.
42. Don't know where to put your trapeze? Have your considered 4' above your jacuzzi?
43. When in a sword fight to the death against an opponent that has demonstrated his skill at hearing and slicing flying objects - swinging one armed from a trapeze a few feet above an electrified jacuzzi, that is always the best attack.
44. If you finally shoot the blind swordsman who's almost killed you before and killed all your other men, don't bother shooting him again, there's always time for a glib one liner. What's he gonna do, throw that thing at you? He's only killed a couple dozen people so far, how good can he be?
45. Blind swordsmen can hear and locate everything flying through the air - except swords. Don't worry, they can hear and quickly grab a falling clay dinosaur - it's all part of the training - but a sword, when could that skill come in handy?
46. The plate glass window above a cavernous ravine is made of normal glass that will easily shatter if a fat man falls against it. No, don't bother using the really thick and strong shatter-proof stuff like they do in skyscrapers (the 1.5" stuff that can withstand 5 tons of force), any old pane will do.
47. If you run away from the bus in Reno, it's OK, it will follow you around the city until it finds you.
But far and away, the number one think I learned from Blind Fury -
48. If there is one thing that blind swordsmen absolutely can't stand, it is flying fruit. It must be destroyed at all costs. He will not stop until all flying fruit has been at least sliced in half, preferably quartered.
49. Designer drugs are the wave of the future
50. If a drug-dealer doesn't want to hang around to buy your designer drugs, it's fine to send your chief croney to kill him.
51. Relax, McCreedy paid a lot of money to see this.
52. Nick wants to meet a nice guy because everyone's been trying to kill him lately.
53. If you owe McCreedy, you pay him
54. It's perfectly fine to dangle a grown man off a tall building in Reno.
55. Nick knows that his name is on the Vietnam memorial.
56. Watching people split in half falling down a huge cliff is funny as hell.
57. I guess Billy is Nick's nephew now.
58. If you get accidentally get shot by your brother, shoot him in the head.
59. Vietnamese villagers always help wounded american soldiers they find on battlefields and teach them swordfighting even if those soldiers have probably killed dozens of their countrymen.
60. If you wanna kill one man in a corn field and you know your men are in the field as well just stand on top of a cabin and shoot anything that moves.
61. When in a moving car you can measure distance simply by counting even if you don't know the speed at which the car is moving.
62. There are some big a** flies in Nevada.
63. Darkness is where Nick Parker lives
64. Apparently you can cut a 250lb guy in half horizontally at the waist with one swing.
65. if you find a blinded man in the wilderness, teaching him to swing a machete is good physical therapy.
shareHahaha hilarious!
shareBest part of that post... usage of the word, "bucolic". Laughed my butt off. Few IMDB'ers understand the beauty of a rich vocabulary. Instead, they see it as people "using thesauruses to seem intelligent".
You watched this flick as you made this list, didn't you? I can tell by reading it.
I, like you, list this as one of my guilty pleasures. Your list pretty much sums up most of the goofier aspects. I always felt that this film was complicit in spreading the myth that blind people have magical, mystical sensory powers like Daredevil. Uma Thurman's character in Jennifer Eight put it best when she said, "We don't have some sixth sense, except in ridiculous novels".
"...nothing is left of me, each time I see her..." - Catullus
# 66 - A blind man's tears fall from the outside of the eye, not the inside like normal mortals.
# 67 - When you protect a small boy who's mother has been murdered, and he forms a deep bond with you, and you finally reconcile with an old friend who is his father, by all means leave them when the danger is gone. Don't stick around to enjoy these relationships once people stop trying to kill you. Don't say goodbye either. Instead, buy a bus ticket and then drop it and run away just before you get to relax and spend some quality time with these friends. Your home is the open, lonely road. It is the lot of blind swordsman to walk into the sunset alone.
# 68 - If you're shot in the shoulder (inline with your body) with a .45, it doesn't penetrate into your lung, heart or any vital organs. It lodges in the skin, allowing you to throw a sword into your attacker.
# 69 - When trying to find an old friend's house, you can bet they'll have a sign with raised lettering in the front lawn bearing their last name, so any blind friend can read it with their fingertips.
# 69 - If you will, I will.
# 70 - That dang cliff just goes on and on, dunnit?
# 71 - Poor Meg Foster, but she should have known that the Terry O'Quinn was going to get his revenge. You don't put a claw hammer into him without paying the price. Oh sure, it seems like he's innocent of the crime, but in reality we know he got in deep with MacCready because the Stepfather knew MacCready's henchman would kill Carol... er... Lynn for him.
# 72 - A grown man should never let a nasty little boy stick things into his mouth, and for SURE the inverse is true as well.
# 73 - If you're blind you know the weak point in any structure instinctively. All it takes is one sword swipe, and bang... the whole thing comes down.
# 74 - If you're the lonely, blind swordsman named Zatoichi... er... Nick Parker you can cut any fruit thrown your way into sections, but when it comes to eliminating the main bad guy, you miss the kill stroke with two tries.
"...nothing is left of me, each time I see her..." - Catullus
#75- "In the desert, it's hard to find people without a bad attitude" (or something like that.)
#76- Don't let people who are on the run stay at your mobile home.
#77- you can slice your thumb on the blunt side of a sword
#78- In some parts of the world, there must be a culture of people who use a razor sharp katana to slice butter.
Laugh, and the world thinks you're crazy.
Weep, and the world thinks you're bipolar.
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75- If you are a gangster, owe a bunch of drug dealers money, and need to sell more drugs to pay off said debt, you go on and spend "a lot of money" hiring a japanese swordsman.
76- Every thug in the room may have a gun, and the swordsman might be blind, but no way in hell will they be able to shoot him. In fact, it is the blind swordsman who kills every armed man in the room with his sword.
77- Lesbian hit women always carry two guns!
Holy Mary Mother of God! You guys made me LMFAO with stomach pains!!I was fortunate to watch the movie on late night TV after I had read about 90% of your comments and you guys are 100% correct! Now it is one of my classic movies as I will watch it again but with a printed version of your 100 things distributed with friends and we are gonna take the p_ss out of this film!
This is like Die Hard Sh_t!,Sopranos:Pine Barrens
79 (?) - When you're blinded in a mortar explosion, your face and pretty blue eyes will be completely unscarred.
shareSince this is your favorite movie then you should know he wasn't all the time blind..so the pictures is his memories..so why not carry them around ..many other flaws in your 100 things but eh..waste of time...
shareLockers are made of steel, not aluminum which would be too easy to break into.
#80. If you are an ignorant redneck, your daddy wore a rubber with holes in it.
#81. Don't ride the Winterhaven cable car.