This Movie Sucks

First of all, I'm one of the people who actually remembers the commercials for the film with a windup symbol-clanging toy monkey that looked evil as Hell and scary as sh!t. Now that would have been a smart way to go with the making of this movie. But nobody gave a thought to what would be scary. This is a horror movie, or at least it was supposed to be - things like this are kind of important.

This movie is way too long and incredibly boring. The characters suck, the dialogue isn't interesting, the subplots about the scientist experimenting on monkeys and his cruel superior are completely worthless. This movie should have taken a cue from Halloween - leave some mystery around the plot and hide the movie's threat a little. The biggest problem with this movie is it decides to show almost everything, and to grotesquely overelaborated detail. What it doesn't though- like the death of the cheating wife, her lover / his doctor, and his accident in the beginning of the movie- turn out to be the cheapest-looking and cheesiest things.

And I end up hating everyone in this movie. The cheating wife barely says a word in the movie, but she gets to have a scene where she scarfs down a glass of hard liquor. The mother is so ugly and too flaky for her age. Plus, this movie gives her no life- I think it's bullsh!t that she wants to move in with him. They should have had the wife die in the bathtub electrocution scene, and have the mother die in a brand new scene where she would be baking cookies and some kind of horrifyingly vicious thing would kill her, like the monkey would spray a can of Pam at her with one hand and light a match in front of it with the other. She should have been set on fire! And the back-stabbing doctor would be hacked up with surgical tools or something.

And the housekeeper Marianne becoming lazy because the monkey's doing her job? That's such a pile of crap. These people are either following the book too closely, or just trying to come up with anything they can to make this movie more depressing. And Geoffrey caring about his friend's wife cheating pisses me off too. He turns into an f-ing junkie on the same chemical he gives the damn monkeys! Why the hell should he be a character who distributes sympathy? For that moment, the movie's made into a "she cheated on him so she's a terrible bitch." The movie should have forgotten about her right there, but no, the filmmakers want the junkie who's cruel to animals the chance to say the call her a "cu!nt". He didn't even do it well, so why do it at all? He's just jealous that she can live with herself, at least she's not playing God with monkeys! Yeah she's bad, but the movie also decides not to say why.

I also hate that the girlfriend (I think her name's Melanie) is sweet as pie. And we're supposed to believe that all that caring for monkeys makes her really docile and mothering. She isn't human, man. She doesn't look at anything that happens in the movie as strange or unbelieveable, yet the whole time I'm not buying any of it. At least if she had a real sense of humor, she'd have some character. But she just looks so bland and ugly, she's not in touch with her inner Goddess. If they wanted to pull this girl off the way they tried, they would have gotten a Playboy centerfold. Somebody without the freckles. She's just too creepy and accepting!

Now back to Marianne the housekeeper. She got all weird, like an annoying little sister, and whines about everything- it took her way too long to quit. And why the hell did both she and the mother go psycho? Are we supposed to believe that caring for this guy can drive people insane? If so, there are better ways to go about showing it. Or is it supposed to be that the monkey is too controlling- a MONKEY? I don't get it. Why didn't Melanie go psycho? Because they wanted us to be so scared when Ella the monkey was about to poke her in the head with that needle near the end! Stupid movie. But at least this is a consistent explaination, because Marianne bailed on him just like the wife. Although, then this gives me more the reason to like the wife- she didn't do the loser thing. She went off into the arms of a very handsome doctor with a killer body (no pun intended).

And what's up with the killing of that little bird? Way too overdramatic and pointless! This movie's too much like Christine. The bird here would be like the bullies in that movie- mess with the guy with the killer monkey/car and you get dead. Christine sucked too, but this movie is worse. Because at least Christine isn't boring! It's not even depressing. And yeah the monkey becomes supersmart / has a mind of it's own. Than why didn't the monkey win at the end? The ending sucked, save for those great close-up shots of Allen's face moving the chair with his mouth, while darting about wildly. They just threw in that ending scare to rip-off Carrie, only this way the guy isn't haunted like Sue. Oh so happy ending, I'm about to barf!

I get the feeling this movie had a lot more crazy nightmare / fantasy scenes. That would have been the way to go. Instead of depressing, this movie could have been dark and hallucinagenic, like Brain Damage. But those scenes would have at least been interesting. And why the hell didn't the guy's neck ever get fat from being in the chair? His damn head was able to move around too much, which takes credibility away from his being a true paraplegic. It's too fairy tale that he gets to be a normal person at the end and walk by having the operation that saves his body. It's a good idea sure, but it's not pulled off well at all. It happens too quick and too conveniently.

"Carol, one word of advice: send Cindy to a special school"