I stopped watching Ft13th movies at 14 years old after the fourth one made me physically ill due to my inability to reach into the movie screen and strangle the life out of every "actor" in the film. Thus, it has taken 29 years for me to watch part 6. Thanks, oh so much Epix.
I simply cannot believe that I managed to sit through this steamer and only yelled at the TV screen and freaked my pets out... OK, well pretty much constantly from the first second of the movie. Simply horrendous it was even by Ft13 sequel standards. Hell, even by awful Z movie standards. I've seen Herschel Gordon Lewis movies with better acting and make up effects. And better, more believable stories.
Quite simply this is the worst movie I've ever seen. That's a HUGE statement, so to read from others on this board that parts 7 and 8 were even WORSE makes me just want to stop watching movies altogether. Please don't misjudge me, I LOVE horror films and have ever since I was 8 years old and saw Halloween at the drive in. Obviously there was nowhere for the genre to go but down as evinced these days by things like the Paranormal franchise, (how many times can they crap that out before the movie-going public catches on? Oh wait, I forgot, the demographic for all movies is 14 year olds, who know less than nothing, blowing wads of their parent's cash on these flicks when they could be doing something good and productive with it, like buying drugs... ) various ignorant Exorcism movies and crappy remakes of movies that shouldn't have been made to begin with.
Anyway,judging from the number of folks I've seen here who think this movie is great, I'm sure I'll get plenty of hating for writing all that but I honestly could not care less.
So, here's some things I learned from Ft13 part 6. Enjoy. Or don't; I don't care:
14. In the eighties, any bloomin' moron with an awful idea for a crappy movie could easily raise $3,000,000 to get his turd-dream pooted into reality. Ditto nineties, to the tune of $30,000,000. Ditto millenium to the tune of $300,000,000.
15. It only takes 8 and a half minutes (with no help from Horseshack) to dig up an old grave.
16. Lightening storms will produce no rain until you need to light a match. Always a good idea to start digging up a grave right before a downpour, by the way.
17. It's always good to start drinking your quarts of whiskey at 6 am.
18. It takes a drunken 80 year old man only 3 and one third minutes to fill in and cover over a grave so well that no-one can tell it was recently dug up.
19. One can continue to get drunk off of an empty quart of whiskey long into the night as long as One gives the empty bottle a girl's name and talks to it as though it cared about One.
20. Crystal Lake police are among the finest and most competent law enforcement officials ever portrayed onscreen. Real life, for that matter, but I digress.
21. A puddle behind a VW bug can easily and believably be referred to as a "gully".
22. Everyone who plays paintball is an imbecile. EVERYONE!
23. Never, I mean NEVER keep a mental patient whom you suspect may be a crazed killer in a JAIL CELL!!
24. The teen-aged daughters of small town sheriffs run the show Mac!!
25. Many children are quite annoying enough to want to see dead.
26. When confronted by a 7 foot tall thing in a hockey mask that looks like a pile of loose stool and probably smells like all the farts in the world filtered through a three foot thick pile of rotten anchovies, whatever you do don't aim your 12 gauge shotgun (which only holds 3 shells by the way!!) at it's HEAD!
27. The amount of blood contained in a petite teenage girl can easily cover the entire indoor wall-space of a 1000 square foot cabin from floor to ceiling.
28. Doors explode when Jason touches them.
29. Walls explode when Jason gets near them.
30. Should'a called it Crystal Puddle!
31. Approximately one cup of gasoline tossed onto Crystal Puddle will burn indefinitely.
32. A dead, zombie, crazed killer whom apparently possesses enough street smarts to evade capture by any kind of police official for thirty years or so, will not be clever enough to swim downward to remove the chain from around his neck.
I wanna kill everyone, Satan is good. Satan is our pal!
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