Disappointing

I was expecting to really like this movie - a dark Disney movie? Sounds interesting! Unfortunately this is a overwhelmingly disappointing film.

The truth is, I didn't feel for any of these characters. Our protagonist, Taran, is whiny and useless. After immediately failing at his task to protect a pig, he gets captured but is able to escape through the sudden appearance of the princess. Why is the princess here? How did she escape? Where is she from? Who knows, who cares – she seems to be simply a flat plot device which allows the duo to escape and move the plot forward. She's also kind of plucky and annoying. Oh well, perhaps she'll hit it off with Taran later!

Mrs. Plucky has a ball of light, which we are introduced to although it doesn't show up again until the end of the movie (as if the animators went "Oh yeah, the princess has this ball thing, let's bring that back!"). The ball thingy is good at providing the opportunity for cool shadow effects but not much else. I mean, all it really does is swirl around for about 5 minutes. Go ahead, tell me what the ball thingy is called and what it does. I want to know.

They then save an old man who owns a harp he never plays. He's useful for later when the party needs an old man to mumble quietly and not really do anything helpful.

Here is when the kid gains his real power, which comes from a sword he steals from a dead guy that, in a very lucky coincidence, is magical for some reason. He then uses terrible swordsmanship to great effect, since all of the actual power comes from the sword.

They escape while everyone in the castle watches, not attempting to really try that hard to stop them. Perhaps they were running short on arrows?

We then jump to a scene where every single person falls into a pool of stagnant water, one after another. You guys picked a good puddle to drown in, since this puddle is actually a cave infested with magical faeries (and, now wouldn't you know it, these faeries happen to know where the cauldron is – very convenient!) The faeries mention that the black pot is somewhere in a place that starts with an 'M' - I don't remember what it was called, it's only mentioned twice. The faeries warn that the place that starts with an 'M' will be difficult to find, then toss everyone out of the cave after assigning the grumpy faerie to tag along.

The difficult journey must have been cut from he film, because the next scene is the exact place that contains the cauldron! They meet three witches, then bargain the sword for the cauldron. The witches cook up a plan - get the sword and keep the cauldron. They then take the sword and forget to keep the cauldron, letting the kids have it anyway for some reason. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the old man turns into a frog for a bit. Anyway, the grumpy fairy, having done his duty of getting the kids and old man to the next scene, decides to leave, much to our indifference. Somehow, the Horned King then finds the kids and captures the cauldron. These scenes (and all the others) feel rushed and jammed together, but it's really a blessing because it allows us to get to the end of the film faster.

Next, we have some incredibly sweet scenes of the undead warriors being born again, which frankly is the best part of the movie. As soon as this begins, Gergi ruins it by showing up from off screen, untying the captured characters and killing himself by jumping into the pot. Still, it's not a total loss because Gergi is dead, at least for a little while. Now, why the useless old man couldn't throw his bony body into the pot, I don't know. Certainly he doesn't have any actual friends. Say, why was he locked up in the evil tower anyway?
So, to review so far: The princess helped Taran escape, the faerie led them to the Cauldron, Gergi became a hero, and Taran... well... Taran is trying really hard. Well, sort of – more like he has a very sweet sword. Oh, wait, he gave up the sword. Well, at least he was able to get the Cauldron. Although he did get captured. Twice.

OK, so now the Horned King is pissed and slowly walks over to the boy, only to quickly be sucked up in the cauldron. That's because the cauldron is sucking things up, kind of at the end of Jumanji. The boy bravely holds on to something and valiantly waits for the situation to resolve itself.

In the films conclusion, the kid learns his limits and admits that he is not a true hero, which we knew all along. Instead, he shows terrible judgement by resurrecting little Jar Jar Binks. Somehow everyone is thrilled at this. I suppose they forgot what they're resurrecting.

The message to take home from The Black Cauldron is that you are probably not a hero, but it's ok because even if you whine and don't do much, things will work out in the end and you'll get to kiss a girl. Or is the point that, if you are marginally nice to your friends that you met a day ago, they'll commit suicide to save you? Or is it that, by being good of heart and saving the life of an old man, he'll stick with you but do nothing of consequence, and become a frog for a bit? Or is it that you should drown in lakes, because they probably have awesome magical faeries? Actually, I think the message is that fighting skeletons warriors will always be cool as hell, regardless of the movie.

OK, so no real message, but what about character development? The kid... no, he's still weak and useless. The old man... well, no, he's still weak and useless. The princess... well, she's kind of the same, which is to say: Plucky and annoying. The grumpy faerie... ok, he perhaps learned the value of helping out others, although he was required to do so and gave up soon afterward. The leaves Gergi, who learned the value of friendship. Wait, so the most obnoxious most hated character is the one that actually progressed?

At 80 minutes, The Black Cauldron is pretty short but feels long and tedious at the same time. The story is disjointed and jerky, the characters are annoying, nobody really learns anything... but, it has cool visuals. I'd recommend watching it on a VHS tape so you can fast forward - that way you can't hear anyone speak but you can see the animation and effects in about 20 minutes.