billy mays
do you think if the late billy mays sold military weapons, cobra commander would buy them? what would the demonstration be like?
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Well Mays did sell a product called 'Kaboom' but he would more likely sell the Commander products to clean the toilets in the Terror Dome than weapons. However...
"Billy Mays here[!] for 'On-Target', the world's first self targeting rifle. Has this ever happened to you? You're in a firefight and you can't hit the enemy even though they're only ten feet away. Don't order a retreat, order 'On-Target'!"
’Cause there’s thunder in your heart... Every move is like lightning!
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Hi, Cobra Commander, how are ya, it's Vince Shlomi with Slam-Pow. You're going to be in a great mood all day because you're going to be slamming G.I. Joe away with our new Slam-Pow death ray (patent pending). It's made by M.A.R.S. Industries. You know the Scots always make good stuff.
You hate fighting those annoying Joes and losing every time, am I right? That's why the Joes are still out there. The Slam-Pow, it does the work for you. Why do you wanna work twice as hard? You don't have to make your own weather machine anymore. They never work. Who can predict the weather? And those teleporting mass devices? You don't have time to scour the globe for the elements. With the Slam-Pow it's gonna be one slam and, boom, you're done. Disintegrate all the Joes you want from sea to shining sea. Doesn't drip, doesn't make a mess! Make Joe toast from coast to coast. That's what you need in your diet. 5 seconds, 4 or 5 seconds and you're done.
Stop making boring Cobra Emperors out of boring DNA. Stop having a boring life. Just launch the Slam-Pow death ray into orbit and start slamming your troubles away. You're going to have an exciting life now. All you need to operate it is our custom-made wireless one-touch control rod. You're gonna love my rod. It's got on-screen targeting powered by Google Earth. You're not going to find this at your electronics store, not in your big box store. Forget those mutating spores, they burn up in one solar flare. The Slam-Pow comes with its own heat-resistant retractable cover. Keeps the space junk out. Those other death rays, Fatal Fluffy fur gets in there and you can't clean 'em. They're worthless. Forget about it. But, wait, order within the next 20 minutes, because we can't do this all day, and we'll include a fully fueled rocket to propel the Slam-Pow into orbit free of charge (JUST PAY SEPARATE PROCESSING AND HANDLING).
You're going to love this. You can use this on anything, not just Joes. So easy, one finger. Your kid can do this. It's Billy, right? Look, watch the monitor, now we're going to do this in real time. There's Mexico, boom, one slam and it's gone. It acts like a vacuum. Russia? Slam, 50% of the infrastructure, gone already, one more slam and it's history. The Fiji Islands, slam! Haiti, Kuwaiti, Djibouti, Zimbabwe, slam, slam, slam and slam! You're going to love this.
Forget trying to brainwash America over the airwaves. Do you know what they're charging you for a 30-second Superbowl spot? You're throwing your money away. The Slam-Pow pays for itself. This lasts 10 years, nanomites, they last a week. I don't know, it sells itself. Look at this, put it on the low intensity beam and it actually de-skins your Joes. There you go, slam the Joe and the skin, it burns right off! You see that? Maybe you want to do some science experiments on your dead Joes. Find out what makes Shipwreck tick.
Beware of Slam-Pow imitators. This comes with a lifetime guarantee. If you die in a retaliatory strike, we pay for your burial service. That's a limited time offer, so order today and you'll be saying Slam-Pow to those stupid Joes every time. We're going to make the world Cobra's again...one slam at a time!
Colonel Miles Quaritch is like some sort of...non...giving-up...army guy!