Why Perseus Was Such A F#*k Up! ! (RAY 1920-2013)

Jeee-zus! How much more help can daddy Zeus give the kid...

Let's see...

After Perseus gets this treasure trove of godly gifts;
including a cool Invisible Helmet,...

He bungles the whole purpose of having invisibility,
by getting SO close to Calibos,
...he forgets his feet still leaves footprints.
(Oh! Anyone notice he ends up LOSING the helmet anyway?)

Our Hero!
Fairfighter Perseus chops off the claw of an "Unarmed" Calibos.

He then proudly parades his new-found 'wisdom' in front of Andromeda & Court
over the riddle's answer.
He brilliantly recites the riddle back,
as if he's reading "See Dick Run! See Sally Walk!"
"Have courage, Princess!", he purrs.
Have Courage??? That's rich!!!...after HIS so-called 'fair fight'!
How does she respond?
"TELL MEEEE!!!"
Someone should remind Miss Pretty that hysterical demands don't begin until
AFTER the wedding ring gets slipped on.

And how about lovely Andromeda!
The way her eyes sparkle with love and adoration;
after 'Lance Romance' flings at her...;
this grey-rotted, blood-stained 'Calibos Claw'!!
Now there's one way to save a little moolah from the flowers & candy budget.
And wouldn't any sane woman run screaming from
ANY entrailed-dangled Membrane tossed her way,
...regardless of WHO used to own it??
Makes you wonder how many gladiator deaths she's seen & giggled her way through!!
Whatever turns you on, sweetie!!
But really;
you expect anyone to sleep with you without keeping one eye open all night?


Back to Perseus:
In his condensending way, even I felt like the villiage idiot when I couldn't interpret Bubo's beeps.
But it was PERFECTLY clear to HIM.
I've had more polite retorts from rich snobs.

Now you'd think the smart thing to do is tell Bubo to get the witch's eye
BEFORE entering the cave;
...ju-uu-usst in case: you don't want the witches to figure out your strategy!!
Not our Hero!!...
"BUBO! GET THE EYE! THE EYYEEEYAA !!!"
Com-on there, Big P...
It's time for Bubo's overdue oil change so you can do your own sneaky work for a change.
And didn't those hags react with magical witch-like speed!!!
They had time to bury that eye, plot a marker AND gnaw a snack;
while poor Bubo experienced mechanical mid-air malfunctions
(as in...he kept missing the eye!).
I mean, really...could they have held that 'Cracker Jack Prize' any HIGHER
for the pesky, gold chirpper to snatch away??

Then there's his iron clad grip!!
He drops his sword during the 2 headed wolf attack
and calmly, serenely waits for that annoying rattlesnake to lumber off (or was it a Boa 'C'?).
Why not plop yourself into a beanie chair and sip on a slurpie too!!
HEY PERSEUS!!!
Your comrads are Dying!!
Swing Your Shield!!
Throw Rocks!!
Spit!!!
But for christ sakes; FIGHT!! will ya please?

And how does the big hearted softie react when one of his friends dies from the wolf?
A Tribute? A Eulogy? A Teardrop?
Naw...!
He taps into his mathmatical wizardry and lectures:
"Remember! There's 3 of us now!"
Well!!
Now THERE'S a leader worthy of following into death.
Oh! And take a wild guess where he ends up leading those last two guys??

After the scorpion/Calibos fight (where Mr Grips drops his sword AGAIN),
the clock is ticking.
All his friends ( I mean under-paid Followers!) have been horrifically slaughtered;
just so HE can brag about capping some Andromeda ass.
Time is short!
His beloved is hours away from being shredded.
If he rushes at high speed he MIGHT...just might make it.
So what does our 'hero' do?
SNUGGLE UP FOR A NAPTIME ??
What the...HUH????
WAAY KUPP DUDE!!!!!
It's up to daddy Zeus to kick ass his gear awake, energize him AND stand him up.
Why not offer to hold it for him while he takes a peepee too!

Now get this!
He flies miles to reach the Kraken.
He's traveled miles to get the Medusa head.
You can't miss an aerial view of a roaring titan from 50 miles away.
Plenty of time to plan ahead.
Right?
WRONG!!
So when does he start yanking the snaky contraption outa his little ditty bag?
Close enough to get sprayed in chunky Kraken snot.
(I mean; Displaying the Head...that was the Plan from the git-go...wasn't it??)
Then adds insult to injury by forgeting to UNTIE the damn bag first,
while chained, squirming Andromeda makes fudge puppies in her privates.
So what happens??
Pegasus gets the Kraken claw;
Bubo gets the Kraken snot;
Perseus takes the high dive;
And Andromeda schedules tomorrow's trip to K-Mart for a fresh batch of loomies.
Let's hear it for booger-coated Bubo...TA-DAAA!!!...tooo the rescue!!...AGAIN.
No wonder the over-worked owlette kept blowing his head gasket!!

Then I had to ask myself:
What took him so long to reveal Medusa's head??
Why was he so relunctant to part with it?
Then I remembered the way he had snuggled up to it during his afternoon nappy-time.
That brought the "Head" symbol to a whole new level.
Maybe that tiny part of him turning har...I mean turning to stone didn't feel so bad after all.

The final capper is when Zeus proclaims that Perseus, his illustrius son,
"...has won!! My son has triumphed!!"
REALLY??
And WHEN exactly WAS that?
If Daddy hadn't supplied him with...
Bubo (a name that's impossible to say out loud...AND keep your dignity);
the Invisible Helmet (which he couldn't recover in ankle-deep water; go figure!);
the Magic Sharpy Sword (that he never cleaned);
the Reflective Sheild (to maintain that 70's blowhaired style);
his dozens of companions (who he led to their agonizing ends!!);
his new found 'head fetish' (that was short lived);
Plus the Zeus Snooze Alarm;
LET'S FACE IT!!
...little Andromeda would've been Kraken chow 10 times over.

Everybody wants to follow a Hero!!

That is,...Everybody USED to !!
...til Perseus made The 'Jupiter Book of World Records',
for "The Largest Percentage Of Followers Who Died Under My Leadership Award!";
[ as in like...ah!...100% of his guys!! ]
When THAT got published in the 'Heavenly Globe'...
THE HERO'S SIDEKICK RECRUITING PROGRAM fell off by over 50% !
But members of "The League Of Heroes" are bitchin' that the percentage drop is way past 90 !!!

If this is someone's idea of a hero,
I might take sides with the magical villians...
and start off by buying that 2 headed wolfie a bouncy ball.
That furry critter just needed some romping; a rawhide; a few hugs;...and a little love.

But in the end, was Andromeda REALLY worth it?
That lazy scamp couldn't even take a simple BATH
without help from six (better looking) hand maidens.
Next time:
Just pick the bitch up,
chuck her into the pool;
toss her a bar of soap;
and pray to the gods, she knows how to catch!
What's the big deal?

And if getting laid with Andromeda means I have ta live with blabber mouth Mother-in-law;
whose big yap got the whole country in peril to begin with;
the most heroic thing Perseus could do now is...RUN !! AND FAST!
I must of counted at least 40 other Greek voluptuous hotties who probably didn't have a monster-in-law
who was worse than any creature Harryhausen could've dreampt up.
(Now I'm talkin about the CHARACTER; not the wonderfully radiant actress Sian Phillips who portrayed her).

If I were left stranded in a kingdom ruled by that 'Prince Piece of Worth';
I'm sprinting to the Market Square and scarfing just three things:

1) SAMSONITE LUGGAGE;
2) ANY MAP;
3) A ONE-WAY TICKET on that next Barge out!!

Bring back The Argonauts!!
I'll earn my berth!
Just get me a stone frisbee!!