MovieChat Forums > I Never Sang for My Father (1971) Discussion > Other issues besides parent-child

Other issues besides parent-child

posted 15 years ago by practicepiano
5 replies | jump to latest

This film hits home about many aspects of family relationships, and so much more as well.

One thing that moves me is the portrayal of someone who is a hero to many, but impossible to deal with on a daily basis. With both relatives and friends, I've lived this scenario. It's difficult, because their public image is so good that saying a doubtful word about them makes you the villain.

Happily, I've never dealt with someone perceived as wonderful by outsiders who is *quite* as unpleasant as Tom could be at his worst, but I know several people who have.

The various reactions of the other characters to Tom -- his daughter's bitterness and distancing, seeing only his harsh side, his son's mixed emotions, others finding him noble and attractive, are very realistic.

I love Gene's wry reaction when his fiance says "I think he's charming."

[–] Blondfashionisto 15 years ago

So true! After all, everyone has their faults. I find, though, with time we see things in a 'softer' light so our parent's short-falls are lessened and love shows through.

‘Six inches is perfectly adequate; more is vulgar!' (Prime of Miss Jean Brodie Re: an open window).

[–] practicepiano 15 years ago

Happily, my own parents were not the people with whom I experienced this. They are/were (one is gone now) the first to acknowledge their own flaws,and those flaws were minor!

I think I'd have a harder time seeing a father like Tom in a softer light. With people like that, sometimes a compromise of continuing to care for them, but not expecting much, and staying out of their way if possible, is the only way. They rarely change.

But Gene was aware of this, too -- he just had a hard time escaping it. I think it's interesting that Gene was trying to avoid falling into the trap he saw his father in, of living his whole life as, essentially, a reaction to his own father, and of having a "script" that he had to live by and repeat over and over to whoever would listen.

His sister may have been partly in that trap (we never find out enough about her to know). Gene was, too, for a while -- not in rebellion, but in continually trying to make himself understood.

Gene, as it says at the end, doesn't make either rejecting or pursuing his father a raison d'etre, finally. Although he stops pursuing his father's love and approval, he still struggles to reconcile his feelings, and he is still responsible for his father's care.

[–] zurichpoet 15 years ago

One aspect Gene was unfair about was expecting wisdom or growth from someone older, I've never found people become wiser as they get older. It's more like a cycle. See this at the mall. Young tots hang onto their parents or run away on a whim, then you look at see someone around 70 or so, and they act somewhat like the young tot, holding onto the younger person and if they don't want to do something, they just sit down. Right then. Right there. It's extremely sad to see this in someone older you care about, this slide back into infancy, they can't help it, that's life.

Or as Patrick White said: "I would like to believe in the myth that we grow wiser with age. In a sense my disbelief is wisdom.”

[–] Helena727 10 years ago

One aspect Gene was unfair about was expecting wisdom or growth from someone older, I've never found people become wiser as they get older.

But he wasn't expecting it. He was hoping for it, which is different. Hoping against hope, but hoping nonetheless -- because it's devastating, as your emotionally absent father nears death, to know that you'll *never* have any relationship with him at *all.* To have virtually no connection to one of the two people who made and shaped you is devastating.

So even tho Gene knows that it's foolish to hope, some tiny part of him can't stop hoping. It's quite natural for adult children of withdrawn parents to hang on to a tiny bit of hope while the parent lives. There is no stronger imperative for a child than to bond with his/her parents bc those bonds are literally the difference between life and death -- and when those bonds are loose or troubled, big problems arise. (Which is why Tom was so difficult -- and notice how often Tom spoke of his own father. Harshly, but often -- his father was very much in his consciousness.)

So it's not surprising that Gene hoped -- and hope is not the same as "expect."

[–] Owlwise (1536) 3 years ago

Wisely said. It's the hope that keeps Gene going, and also keeps his pain going.