WAYYYYYY Better than The Book

“This sentence I’m reading is terrific,” I said. He finished tinkering around with the goddam faucet and started walking around the tent, very slow and all, picking up stuff. He picked up this picture of this girl I used to go around with before I got drafted, Sally Hayes. He musta picked up that goddam picture a thousand times ever since I put it up.

“When I was a kid, I used to walk around all day with crab apples in my cheeks. One in each cheek.”

I threw the book down. It was impossible to read anything with a guy like Orr around you.

“Why?” I finally asked.

“Because they’re better than horse chestnuts,” he answered with a twinge of triumph in his voice.

“Why’d you walk around with crab apples in your cheeks? That’s what I asked,” I said, glaring at him.

He didn’t notice, of course. He was still pacing around the room.

“When I couldn’t get crab apples, I used horse chestnuts. They’re about the same size and actually have a better shape, though the shape don’t matter much. Who belongsa this?” He was holding the hunting knife from the mosquito-net bar by the dead man in our tent. That guy Orr’d pick up anything. I told him it was the dead man’s. So he chucked it backwards, and it landed three inches away from the dead man’s head. If Old Orr had better aim, it probably woulda killed the guy, if he weren’t already dead.

“Why did you walk around with anything in your cheeks?” I was losing my patience now. You always lose your patience when you’re talking with a guy like Orr.

“I didn’t walk around with anything in my cheeks. I walked around with crab apples in my cheeks, and when I couldn’t get crab apples I used horse chestnuts. In my cheeks. One in each cheek.”

“Why?”

“Because I wanted…”

“Jesus Christ! Why did you want—”

“—apple cheeks.”

“—apple cheeks?”

“I wanted apple cheeks,” he replied. He started cutting his toenails. He was doing it over the floor, too, so I’d walk on them with my bare feet later. “Well, not really. I didn’t want apple cheeks. I wanted big cheeks. I didn’t care about the color so much, but I wanted them big.”

“Do you mind cutting your nails over the table, hey?” He kept right on cutting them over the floor. What lousy manners. I mean it.

“Do you want to know why I wanted big cheeks?”

I didn’t answer.

YESSSS! You're right, that IS realistic dialogue. I talk RETRDED $HIT with friends all the time. It IS realistic. Give me a break. There was NOTHING funny about this book, I just kept waiting for the drivel and garbage to break into a normal and, um, what's the word? GOOD, writing. It never did.

The characters were simplistic and over the top, good characters come from making characters ring true, these fools did not.

Pro Nazi? Heller was a man who wrote a book debasing WWII and all war, he was a man who felt that nothing was worth fighting for, not even a war against Nazis, if anyone was pro Nazi, it was Heller. My father fought in WWII, think again before you speak of me as a pro Nazi because I think this book was stupid.

The emporer has no clothes.


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