My favorite line was the conclusion to a great visual joke. Ralph and Ed are trying to move a dresser, but it's too hesvy. So, Ed suggests taking the drawers out to make it lighter. He does so, but instead of getting rid of the weight, stacks the drawers on top of the dresser.
The whole time, Ralph is looking on without saying a word. You're waiting for him to tell Norton that he's an idiot, but instead after a pause, he says, "OK, let's go," and then they pick the dresser up and finish moving it.
Believe me, it's funnier than how I described it.
The whole audience exploded at that one.
My favorite line is when Ralph and Ed are getting drunk on grape juice and when they start acting drunk, Ralph says something like.."I feel like I got hair growin' on my face." Gleason says it like just a throw-away line.
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The fat jokes are always priceless...
Ralph: We are now sworn enemies. If you see me coming down the road, you'd better get to the other side!
Ed: If you are coming down the road, there is no other side!
...
Ralph: Alice, this is the biggest thing I've gotten myself into!
Alice: The biggest thing you've gotten yourself into are your pants.
...
Ralph: But remember Alice, once I'm gone, I'm gone, and you can't put your arms around a memory.
Alice: I can hardly put my arms around you.
"I hate it when a guy looks like Tarzan, sounds like Jane."
Norton, addressing a golf ball: Hellllo, ball!
Alice: I call you "killer," because you slay me.
Ralph: And I'M calling BELLEVUE, 'cause you're NUTS!
Re: All the fat jokes--Today, Ralph would be considered average size, and the
fat jokes wouldn't make sense. I don't think most people from the
"Honeymooners" era would ever have envisioned what passes for "fat" these
days; those jokes are no longer an exaggeration.
I'm not crying, you fool, I'm laughing!
That's so true, tmaj48...sad and true.
shareWhen Alice defends her Mother, after Ralph orders her off the premises, her Mom says it's okay, "I was leaving anyway."
To which Ralph responds, "Well whether you were leavin' anyway or any other way, I'm throwin' you out!"
(while demonstrating that complicated kitchen gadget on TV. Ralph has an extreme case of stage fright, and his speech patterns/capabilities are all over the map...)
Norton: "Can it core a apple?"
Ralph: "Whoh-HO, it can core a apple."
also, Norton (after he and Ralph have almost totally destroyed the little TV kitchen set, never mind the damage done to their own humiliation): "If my wife Trixie says 'I told you so' when I get home, I'm gonna punch her right in the nose!"
While taking the train out of town to go to a Raccoon Lodge event, Ralph and Norton are at odds, due to Ed managing to get them handcuffed together, exchange this witty repartee:
Norton: "Hey Ralph... you mind if I smoke?
Ralph: "I don't care if ya BURN."
There's tons more, but these are my standouts.
Helga the maid (Alice has a day job) addresses Norton and Ralph:
"The simp and the blimp."
To which Kramden responds, "How dare you!"
The poolroom encounter that leads to a fistfight:
"I guess you never fought a bus driver before, heh?"
I think that line got both a big laugh and applause from the audience (or was it a laugh track?).
I didn't get the joke at first about Ralph saying he didn't care if Norton burned. It was just funny seeing him lying there trying to sleep that made it funny for me.
sharePigeons, those are my favorites, too. Especially, the "Ohhh, it can core a apple."
I want the doctor to take your picture so I can look at you from inside as well.
Norton, addressing a golf ball: Hellllo, ball!
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I love that line. Still cracks me up.
Back in junior high school, we had a reading of a script in my english class one day, and I was selected to read Norton's lines. I could hardly talk, because I was laughing so hard.
Ralph: Never again will I ooh ooh you!! Norton, ooh ooh.
Norton: Brother Raccoon!
- Frank
"We are one big happy fleet!" - KN Singh
Ralph is on a very strict and limited diet. For dinner one night, Ralph is sitting at the table, which is set, and sees Alice dishing out healthy portions of lots of Ralph's favorites, filling up only one plate - for herself. She then gives Ralph HIS dinner - 2 celery stalks and a radish or something (can't recall exactly).
Needless to say, Ralph looks at both their plates, and is not a happy camper. "What's this?" he asks. Alice says it's his dinner, and to dig in. Ralph picks up his silverware and screams, "What're THESE for, to commit SUICIDE with??!!?"
It was just the perfect set-up for the joke.
Ralph: I'm not driving anybody crazy, you're just jealous, that's all. And you know why you're jealous? Because you know that at this time tomorrow night, my picture is gonna be on the front page of every paper in the country!
McGarrity: So will mine. For killing you!
- Frank
"We are one big happy fleet!" - KN Singh
I have the feeling that for the next 20 years, McGarrity would ride Ralph with the fact that he lost on the first question.
shareOne of the episodes when Ralph has to spend the night in the kitchen and he's complaining about what he's gonna sleep on, he says:
"I can sleep in the sink if you want me to, not only can I get a good night's sleep but I can wash-up at the same time," lol.
"You're gonna tell your friend Hah-ah-vy ?"
also from same episode. "Your friend Harvey is bigger than you? I got a friend SHIRLEY that's bigger than you."
I have way too many favorites to post here, I'd be here all night and not get any work done
Ralph: One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face.
Ed: Never mind that, just get me the water. I know how to wash.
- Frank
"We are one big happy fleet!" - KN Singh
There's a player on the Mets named Matt Harvey and whenever my family is watching a game, my dad always goes, "Ha-ha-haaaarvey!"
PURPLE, YOUR AURA'S PURPLE!
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"or something?" She should've said, "Yeah, something. An elephant."
Norton: In 6 months, blimp takes off.
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When Ralph cant find his shoe polish in the drawer. Alice says it must be in there. Ralph replies "There is no must about it. When it concerns you Alice it is 'Maybe' not 'Must'....'Maybe, Maybe'. Alice walks over, opens the drawer and takes out the shoepolish, Hands it to him and says..'This must be it...maybe'.
When they have a phone installed, Ralph is furious. He says ...'Alice, this phone has nothing to do with me, it's all about you, you, you!' (pointing over and over to her). The phone then rings. Alice answers it and hands it to Ralph (poking him in the ribs),and says 'It's for you, you, you!'
Norton: Wait a minute, maybe I can stamp on it or something.
Ralph: Get your foot out of there Norton. GET IT OUTTA THERE! GET YOUR FOOT OUT OF THERE NORTON!
That kills me the way Gleason said that.
Norton: When the tides of life turn against you and the current upsets your boat, don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float.
Ralph: Don't call me janitor. I am a maintenance engineer.
Norton: I'll just wait till it gets almost to the end of the show, then I'll get up and walk out.
Norton: I still say it's the best appetizer I ever tasted.
Ralph: Plenty of girls were crazy about me and you know it. When I went to the beach they crowded around me.
Alice: That didn't mean they were crazy about you. They just wanted to sit in the shade.
Norton: Ha, Ha!
Ralph (to Norton): SHUT UP!
Norton: Ralph, I need a three letter word for exit.
Ralph: OUT!
Norton: Yeah, that's it.
Ralph: Not that, get out!
Oh my, where to begin:
Ralph: One of these days you're going to push me too far.
Alice's Mother: The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer.
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(Ralph walks in with a suitcase he found on the bus)
Alice's Mother: What is that, your lunch box?
Ralph: Ohhh, starting right in with the wise cracks. No warming up in the bullpen or nothing? You used to start with a couple of 'hello stupids'.
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Ralph: You're problem is that you have no sense of humor.
Alice: No sense of humor? I married you didn't I?
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Norton: Yeah Alice, we flipped a kern(coin) and Ralph said 'heads I win, tails you lose' and it came up tails so I lost.
(Alice is giving Ralph the evil eye) Ralph: Don't you give me that look, that's how you got me to marry you.
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Ralph: Quiet! I don't want my salary to leak out.
Alice: Your salary couldn't drip out.
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Alice: I call you killer cause you slay me
Ralph: I am calling Bellevue because your nuts!
There are plenty, but that one was the first to come to mind.
I have another one:
Ralph is in the kitchen trying to burn the counterfeit money while the criminals that belong to it are banging on the door trying to get in.
Ralph trying to delay them from coming in says, "My wife is in the sink taking a bath"
I always get a kick out of that line!
The poolroom encounter that leads to a fistfight:
"I guess you never fought a bus driver before, heh?"
Ralph: My friend and I would like coffee+cake.
Thelma the Maid: OK.
Ed: I would like 1 lump.
Thelma: if you keep on ringing that bell,you get one.
Ralph: this is my guest,I'm your employer!
Thelma: some guest and some employer,the simp and the blimp.
When Alice wants go dancing, and roller skating and Ralph starts teasing her saying hey Norton she thinks she's 14 again, look at me I'm 13 and pretends he is roller skating around the kitchen. Looked so funny and the way he had his hands on the small of his back gliding around the kitchen table.
This is almost an impossible choice to make, but honorable mention definitely goes to that kid, Harvey, in The Babysitter, who delivers the famous line "Gee, I didn't know Davy Crockett was so Fat!"
Just the sarcastic, pissed look on the kid's face, combined with the whole lead-up to the delivery (some huge ass guy hollering at some little kid in his bedroom), not to mention the very notion of Ralph Kramden being anything remotely like Davy Crockett, lmao. Can you even see Kramden hunting in the mountains of Tennessee like Fess Parker lmao
Momma loves mambo!
Ralph enters apartment after work,he sees Alice,Trixie and other women dancing w/the record player turning,at first he's chummy,then he's in disbelief and exasparated.
'Hold it,wait a second,what's going on here?! Oh Carlos is teaching you the mambo,Everybody out!
You'll call it quits today,tomorrow,nextweek,next month and next year,you'll call it quits! Rudolph Valentino OUT!'
"The Worry Wart" (Ralph, with Norton along for moral support, is sitting in the IRS office, waiting to find out why Ralph has been summoned there.) Ralph: "I'm just going to be calm and cool. Calm and cool."
The IRS man enters, saying, "Mr. Kramden?"
Ralph jumps up, shouting, "HEY, THERE!"
And Norton's line: "He's Kramden, I'm clean."
I always lol at this.
The kid said that because Ralph was wearing his Raccoon Club uniform. The hat was much like the "coonskin" hat that was extremely popular--because Fess Parker/Davy Crockett--then.
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