What the Actual *beep*

URGENT COMPANY EMAIL
FROM: HR department
TO: Fate

Dear Sir,
There have been some alarming occurrences in your sector that have gotten our attention as of late. Firstly, we have noticed your removal of Neil Armstrong. Our concern here was in regards to the fact that Mister Armstrong was a HUGE pioneer to the space industry, but then we assumed amongst ourselves, "Alright, Mr. Armstrong recently celebrated his eighty-second birthday; that's about the average life-span of a human. Okay, we can see that."
But then it seems as if Snooki not only gave birth, but has decided to keep the child. Our alarm grew. Our records are indicative of a woman barely equipped to deal with her own life, much less that of a helpless child.
Our fears regarding your performance in the workplace were solidified when we received news of your removal of Michael Clarke Duncan on Monday. The justification of the removal of a remarkably kind, talented and incredibly healthy man with at least another thirty good years on him is beyond us; therefore, unless you send us a hand-written, five-page TPS report explaining the reasoning behind your decisions regarding Mr. Armstrong, Mr. Duncan and Ms. Snooki, we will be forced to drop you from the company. We expect your report on our desk by 8am Friday morning, complete with memo and cover-sheet.
Regards,
Human Resource
P.S. In the meantime, we have included another copy of our pamphlet, "The Circle of Life," written by the great King Mufasa. We feel that, when it was first given to you upon your hiring at this firm, it was not completely understood by you, and so we ask that you also re-read the pamphlet and sign the release form, stating you have read and understood all the pamphlet entails. This will also be due on our desk the same time as your report. Thank you, and we look forward to hearing from you.




What would a note say, Dan? 'Cat dead, details later?'