Relative Values: Vanessa Redgrave and her son, Carlo Gabriel Nero.

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Relative Values: Vanessa Redgrave and her son, Carlo Gabriel Nero

The actress Vanessa Redgrave, 79, and her son, Carlo Gabriel Nero, 46, a screenwriter and film director, talk about struggling with grief, criticism and death threats

“Mum’s always been feisty”: Vanessa and Carlo at his offices at Twickenham Studios. He was a boy when effigies of his mum were burnt, when she raged at “Zionist hoodlums” at the Oscars (Photograph by Michael Clement)

Vanessa: All the girls of my generation wanted to get married and have babies. I couldn’t wait to be a mother. After I married my first husband, Tony [Richardson, a film director], we had Joely and Natasha, but even after we split in 1966, I still wanted more children.

I met Carlo’s father, Franco [Nero, an Italian actor], on the set of Camelot. He was keen on sport and was fascinated by this woman who wanted to go clay-pigeon shooting with him. We did not get married, but Carlo came along and we were thrilled. Sadly, I did lose one baby, but if we had stayed together, we’d have had lots more.

Carlo must have been about two when Franco and I had this huge argument; sadly, we split up. Seeing us unhappy made Carlo unhappy. I hated that. I didn’t want us to fight over his future, so we did our best to share the time with him. He had his life with his father and his life with me.

If I’m being honest, I think I made Carlo and my daughters pretty miserable, because I was always working or involved in trade union business. Carlo spent a lot of time on his own, sitting in a corner, reading. He probably wanted me to help with his homework, but I was never there.

There was controversy, and not everyone approved of all the things I said in public [in her 1978 Oscar acceptance speech, Redgrave referred to “Zionist hoodlums” while talking about the reaction to a PLO documentary that she had funded], but I was never afraid to speak my mind. Having said that, I should have discussed it more with my family, because they had to deal with the fallout. Maybe I made life difficult for them, but it was something I had to do.

If I’m being honest, I think I made Carlo and my daughters pretty miserable

After we split up, Franco and I both had other relationships, but we never lost touch, never stopped caring for each other, because… well, because we had a son who we loved very much. Tony died in 1991 and, over time, all three of my kids were keen for Franco and me to get back together. It happened in 2006, around the time of my 70th birthday. We didn’t want all that wedding claptrap; we just had a simple ceremony and Carlo presented me with the ring.

We are a big family, but we all look out for each other; there’s a lot of what I call fellow feeling. In just over a year, I lost my daughter Natasha, and then Corin and Lynn [her younger brother and sister, who died within a month of each other in 2010]. I obviously turned to Carlo and my family for comfort. I didn’t want to be on my own, I wanted to be with the people who mattered to me. They looked after me, but I sometimes wonder if I’ve looked after them enough.

Lately, my own health hasn’t been too good. I had a heart attack last year. Emphysema also plays havoc with my lungs. Carlo was always telling me to stop smoking, but I never listened. He was the one I called when I actually had the heart attack. I knew it was serious, but the ambulance arrived and the NHS saved my life. If you want to know why I back campaigns to stop privatisation and save hospitals, there’s your answer.

It’s no surprise that Carlo has ended up in the film business; he just happens to prefer being on the other side of the camera. I’m not sure if he’s learnt anything from me, but I’ve certainly learnt things from him. Yes, he’s my son, but he’s also a great director who’s earned respect through hard graft.

Carlo: I was too young to remember my parents splitting up. It was just a case of Dad living in Italy and Mum living in London. That left me with a bit of a dual personality, constantly adapting to whichever country I was in. I’m sure it affected my sense of security. I never grasped that idea of “home”.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m fully aware I grew up with privileges that most kids never have, but I still found some aspects of my childhood difficult. Some of it made me feel guilty. I used to play football with kids from council estates and one-parent families who couldn’t even afford a proper pair of football boots, while I was jetting off to LA. It didn’t seem fair.

Getting on a plane was exciting, but there were times when I just wanted a normal mum; one who got my tea ready and made sure there were biscuits in the kitchen. In the long run, though, I much prefer who she was — committed and honest. Always 100% honest. Also, all the travelling I did with my parents really opened my eyes. They’d show me how the world really was: the sadness, the hunger, all the poverty out there.

I prayed when I saw Mum in hospital... I prayed she wouldn’t die

I went to a public school, and if Mum was in the headlines, people would give me stick: “Your mum goes on about poor people, but she sends you to a public school!” I got into a bit of trouble at school, and maybe that had something to do with it. But I didn’t rebel at home — time with my parents was too precious. I didn’t want to ruin it by being an idiot.

There were difficult times. When Mum received death threats, it really frightened me. During her Oscar speech, people burnt effigies of her outside the theatre. She got criticised for that speech, but there were people who wanted her *beep* dead!

Mum’s always been feisty: she doesn’t take any *beep* After we lost my sister Natasha, then her own brother and sister, she struggled. My God, she lost so much in such a short time! But Mum’s always had an ability to step outside her own sadness. She doesn’t get absorbed by her own problems. The NHS, Gaza… that’s what sustains her.

Her recent illness hasn’t really changed her. She says she’s calmed down, but I’m not so sure. After her heart attack, I prayed when I saw her in the hospital... I prayed she wouldn’t die. The funny thing is, I never panicked, because I could see there was still fire in her eyes. I knew then she was going to be OK.

Strange habits

Vanessa on Carlo: He tries to rein me in. That’s probably not a bad thing; I do sometimes get a bit overexcited, but Carlo’s always been so level-headed.

Carlo on Vanessa: The smoking was definitely her worst habit. If nothing else, her heart attack finally stopped her… thank God!

Vanessa Redgrave is a presenter at the Olivier awards 2016 with MasterCard on April 3. It will be broadcast on ITV and Mellow Magic