Jokes
Post your joke. I'll start
Coffee crisis : take a grain of coffee,tied it with a thread then sink it 2 -3 times in a cup filled with boiled water. At each 2 -3 cups of coffee,change the thread
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MovieChat Forums > General Discussion > Jokes
At 8 am in the morning a man - very drunk,calles to a club :
Good morning,miss.Can you tell me,please at what hour you open the bar?
Good god,are you so desperate if you want to come at this hour?
No,miss.I want to get out,but the door is locked.
Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.
A dad is driving his family through the countryside and they are playing various driving games as they go along like I-Spy and license plate words when all of a sudden he sees a lot of cows in a field coming up. "There's a flock of cows coming up guys, check it out on the right-hand side!"
The children and mother look at each other and titter a bit.
"Herd of cows dad" They say in unison.
"Of course I've heard of them, there's a flock of them right over there!"
Ah, synergy!
shareWill this cause a tear in the time space continuum?
shareIt's all right, that other member doesn't know who I am and so we're safe.
If ever there's a case of us both knowing at the same time though [bigeek]
Good joke though!
I mean, that Juror guys joke ππ
Catbookss is convinced it is Wilson's joke! π
shareAw gawd, whydya bring him up?
Cats did the other day in a Trump thread about people of colour marching in a supposed white supremacist march.
I said it's obvious that it's not a white supremacist march and she called me Wilson.
It was a real flabbergasted for me but a fun reminder that there's someone out there.
I am more than happy to be oblivious of that conversation.
shareYou didn't miss much.
I'm still good with her and the chap I was actually responding to though, just not on the subject of race being presented by the media in relation to Trump supporters being KKK (Weird stuff!).
Why is nobody mentioning Houdini - my first and possibly best account here?
I thought I came in rockin' like a hurricane!!
I found an old IMDb thread on the Prom board from just before it ended where we were listing your aliases.
Houdini became Reality became Juror8 became Jimmy- Jimmy was short lived?
Sorry, Dazed, have to set the record straight on this one, since Jimmy's so blatantly lying.
What actually happened is he repeatedly tried to spin the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville as a "freedom of speech" rally. You know, the rally that was organised and put on solely by white supremacist groups. Whose only speakers were white supremacists. Where they were carrying torches and yelling obscenely racist chants.
Jimmy claimed there were "thousands" of people of colour there supporting free speech. He was naturally asked for proof.
All he could come up with was a long YT video on a Trump-supporter's channel of on-the-ground coverage, with one marcher proven to be wearing a black mask and sleeves, and a whole one legit black guy draped in a flag, marching with them, for whatever his reasons were.
He then bizarrely claimed videos of the march had been edited and/or expunged! That makes total sense because a Trump YT channel would be sure to do that, right?
The reason he ditched Jimmy early is because he had a royal meltdown on that thread, proven wrong over and over, called the other poster a racist, and didn't want people to easily see what an fool he'd made of himself.
The end.
Anyhow, nice to see you posting here again. You were so right about Croft!
Erm...
https://moviechat.org/nm0874339/Donald-J-Trump/5b8ef55d529911001443b9ee/Why-Young-Men-of-Color-Are-Joining-White-Supremacist-Groups
I take it back.
We actually are done if you are Uncle Tomming these people.
I don't need to hear racism as puritism.
Yikes!
You two can thrash this out between you.
Thanks by the way and I just gotta have a moment where I say this about the Croft thing...please forgive meπ
https://gph.is/1JbT8T4
π Yep, you have every right to post that!
I'm not thrashing anything out with Jimmy. He can throw out as much bait as he likes, it won't matter. I just wanted *you* to know the Reality ;)
The 'reality' that I'm Wilson?
Just like the reality of those black and Hispanic and Asian KKK members?
LOL!
By the way, this is the thread THE joke was in.
Jimmy said you were interested.
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I saw that! As well as Croft's fauxpology.
I did want to know what the "joke" was, because by the time I arrived it was already gone, and never knew exactly what he'd said. Luckily, Hownos remembered and posted it.
NOW I understand why you were so upset by it.
I remembered it too, hownos had it right though.
The weird thing was that it was only after shogun took him to task that it was finally deleted. Despite both myself and db20db taking him to task over it.
I knew you'd remember. Jimmy asked me what the "joke" was, but I didn't know and told him to ask you. And said I wanted to know what it was too.
Figures he only deleted it after too many people called him out on it. Not that that's a pattern of his or anything ;)
It does seem to be a recurring thing.
I feel that in his head he thought that it was a clever joke and that someone would appreciate it. But who knows, hard to get your head around anyone who thinks pretending to axe a dog is funny....or that actually killing a dog is acceptable. Either way...
My two best:
A man walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "why the long face"?
This one is subtle:
A German guy lands in France and goes to passport control.
The passport official asks him, "What is the purpose of your visit?"
"Work," the German man says.
She asks, "Occupation?"
He responds, "Not this time.β
Vey subtle,indeed
shareHahahaha. Excellent.
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Actually not so subtle, but funny.
Do you know why Germans make the worst tourists?
They keep forgetting to leave.
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Yes, Germans are certainly the wurst
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LMAO over here, froggy!
That reminds me of a Peter Schickele album "The Wurst of PDQ Bach". Speaking of which, this is my absolute favorite PDQ Bach spoof:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0vHpeUO5mw&t=1s
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If you pronounce wurst correctly, the joke doesn't work, though.
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Ja, du hast recht, mein Freund.
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That's what's known as broken, Americanized German and makes an American immediately identifiable. And Stratego is right about the pronunciation of wurst.
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That's because I am an American speaking broken Americanized German. Duh. I never claimed to be anything else. It is technically correct though. I studied German in College.
Sprechen sie Deutsch, db?
It's just the same when most Germans try to speak English, but at least they (and I) are making an attempt. This reminds me of when a woman approached me at the Grand Canyon, and asked "Pleaz, cud yu tell me vhere da photo shop ist?" Now that's broken Germanized English. "Just off the boat from Dusseldorf." I thought. I responded "Da ist es." "Sind sie Deutch?" She responded. I responded no.
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And I used to speak it fluently. I wasn't messing with you ( for a change ), so drop the defensiveness. I was just trying to make a point fyi, which you seem to try to do quite often.
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Believe it or not, I wasn't being defensive. Sorry if it sounded that way. I was actually more or less agreeing with you. I took two years of German, but never really learned to speak it well. I don't have a facility for languages, unlike Danny Olsen in "Local Hero".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgTqMIARj1s
However, if I were placed in Germany, I think I'd pick it up eventually. The key word here is "eventually".
Wow! We agreed on something! That's progress.
π π π π
Oops! His name is actually Danny Oldsen.
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not bad
shareIs it Pancake day already?
It's really creped up on me this year.
I will get my coat.
Another one since I am a good mood. ;-)
I gave my daughter two karate lessons and she has decided she doesn't want anymore.
Well, at least I have got my car waxed and the fence painted. :-)
ππ
https://youtu.be/c8kgG2Va3ug
LOL, Rob!
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One more for the road.
I finished paying for my shopping and asked one of the boys if he carried people's shoping to their car. He said, Yes. Yes, I do. So, I asked him to carry mine. We walked across the whole car park and as we got my car, I said, "To be honest, I only asked you because I am a lazy bar steward". He said, "I know, here is your chocolate bar".
I know, I know. I am out of here. :-)
Some for the Valentine's day. :0)
I've bought the wife a new bag and a new belt for Valentines Day.
Sheβll be made up!, the hoover is as good as new now.
Table booked at 8pm for me & the missus to celebrate Valentines Day. I might even buy her a few drinks. But, she is useless at snooker though!
I splashed out on some new lingerie in Ann Summers.
Now the assistant says I have to pay for it.
I went to the florists this morning. The lady said "What's your girlfriends favourite flower?"
I responded "Plain" but thinking it's probably self raising.
My wife rang "Three girls in my office just received flowers, they're absolutely gorgeous" I said "Thats probably why they received flowers"
I will take my coat & disappear now. :0)
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