Rudeness, and How YOU Deal With It

I completely agree that selfishness is humankind's normal state. That is why civilizations have imposed legal and social rules to keep that state in check, so we don't all kill each other. The social set of those rules is eroding badly. Family values aren't what they used to be, because families aren't what they used to be. More and more children are being raised by parents who don't know how to socialize them because THEY were raised by parents who didn't know how to socialize them. How often do you hear the word "please" and the phrase "thank you" these days? How often do you encounter someone who uses "sorry" or "excuse me" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? They're not! There is no excuse for loutish behavior. I once had a drunk walk into me in the store where I work, and he slurred "'Scuse me," and I said, "No. There's no excuse for that." He told me I had to excuse him! My basic point is that the Social Contract is vanishing, and, if it ever disappears completely, the only way to preserve society will be a police state. My major coping mechanism to eliminate rudeness is to raise a hue and cry about the problem. Please keep sharing YOURS with us, and thank you!

I'd like to add that I picked this forum as a place for this discussion because it's a place mainly populated by courteous and smart people.

Thank you for your thoughts, but I am crude, not rude. The two are not always the same thing. I gather you don't see a lot of stand-up comedy. I have learned there are times when you have to call a spade a spade. A few years ago, I was helping a family in our store when a customer decided to play one of our audio displays at maximum volume. This irritated my customers, and also me. Trying to show sympathy for their discomfort, I said, "I'm sorry for the din. I'm afraid some of our customers are real chuckleheads." One of the folks in the family said, "I'd call him something else!" I replied, "I would, too, but we're a family-friendly store." He replied, "In our family, we'd call him a fucking asshole."

I have to agree with you, Miss Margo, and thought R_Kane had to have been yanking our chains because I've never seen any kind of similar post by him/her. All the others I've read have been thoughtful and considered. All I can figure is s/he must have been SERIOUSLY irked when s/he wrote the OP.

Trying to combat rudeness with rudeness only perpetuates more rudeness. (If you're calling someone an asshat, for example, you are being rude.) First, because it's like escalating a war. Second, because many people aren't even aware that they're being rude or thoughtless (for whatever reason -- preoccupied with whatever serious problems they may be experiencing in their lives, or simply unaware) and when being met with hostility, will react with hostility, feeling they were attacked without provocation and reacting accordingly. Which only spreads the rudeness or hostility further, with the next people they encounter.

As to my defenses? If someone's driving too slow or otherwise blocking my way when I'm in a hurry, I *try to* remember the saying "Your lack of planning doesn't constitute an emergency on my end." Usually when I lose my temper at someone, it's because I'm running late. If someone yells at me or angrily honks their horn because they think I'm driving too slow or am otherwise blocking or slowing them down, I try to imagine they have some sort of legitimate urgent business, perhaps even one that's life-threatening. You never know, that could very well be the case, and even if it's not, it helps neutralize irritation and anger on my end.

Not long ago I was checking out of a grocery store I don't frequent and forgot to swipe my card that gives you discounts on certain items. The guy behind me was obviously in a big hurry and out of his impatience felt he had to say "So are you unaware you have to swipe your card right at the beginning?" It irked me, as I'd already been aware of his sighing and fidgeting before this.

For some reason I turned to him and told him "Usually yes, but I rarely go to this store anymore," and a scond later added "I really appreciate your patience." He did a double-take at me to see if I were being sarcastic, but seeing that I wasn't, he smiled at me and immediately relaxed. If I *had* been sarcastic, reflecting back to him what he'd displayed towards me, both of us would have left feeling irritated and most likely carrying on the bad feelings towards whomever we next encountered.

On my best days, these are my defenses. On my bad days, I do the same thing as you and react poorly, and continue thinking about what an asshat the other person was.